Come and visit but do not get sick...

My dad…an honest man…no funny business but a very funny man…harmed no-one…not mum, nor the four boys, or his brother, just himself…

He did not take a gun to his head, he did not grab the bottle (get real, do you know how much alcohol used to cost in Sweden???) he did what everyone else in the same age did...he smoked…

Today…this funny and energetic man is still funny and energetic but due to a stroke he is dependent on help, and a lot of it…

Starting from the top of the list we are looking at Mum…

Firstly…Unheard of today, mum and dad live together…for you who are new to this concept this is when a mum and dad who met, did some naughty stuff, which produced four boys…and they are still together today. Mum is the cornerstone and the helper that is there for my dad, but then on the other side when they married the vicar said…” in sickness and in health”…so she is fulfilling her part, so is he… he is the sick one…!

Secondly Swedish National Health Service, NHS…we could not copy the Swedish NHS in this country because we would go nuts…we would be so sick and never go to work again…My dad has a wristband, like a watch…which he can press at anytime to speak to the nursing staff which are on 24/7 standby. What do they do? Well they turn up every morning, or after a couple of minutes if alarmed, to get my dad out of bed, washed and dressed. Tuesdays and Fridays are shower days. They make him breakfast walk him and care for him as they were his personal nurses…it makes you feel weird when you are in the house and the “team” arrives in the morning and before you know it you dad is in the wheelchair having walked half a mile by two nurses and been tested for any individualities…pretty darn good if you ask me…

Thirdly…Wheelchair, not just any wheelchair…the other day on a brief visit to Sweden I was confronted in the hallway by a young woman…”Hello my name is Christina and I am your fathers wheelchair technician”. “We are changing the armrest today as we feel that it is not conducive to his recovery and we are looking at some other solutions which might help him”. “Right you get on…so far we have had some 3 “technicians” in the house and 12 nurses and I have only been here for 24 hours…cost? Less taxes than in the UK…!

Now my dad is hitting the UK…with my brother as a chaperone…

He will not enter the country via Ryan Air…they charge for luggage and wheelchairs…SAS…no not that SAS, Scandinavian Airline Systems…that’s who…

I was asked to arrange for some items prior to my dads arrival, my family wanted for me to get an “electronically controlled motorised hospital bed” with side boards…right…even if you check in as Victoria Beckham at Posh Hospital, they will not have electronically controlled motorised hospital beds…my brother rented one from the Swedish NHS for £10 for four days, when he visited them last time…sorry Dad…this is England and if call a hospital asking for beds they will say “You want to do what? Let me tell you sonny, if you find one let us know because we need them desperately”.

They, the Swedish family, also wanted for me to get a handicapped friendly stool which you put over the loo to make it handicapped friendly…

After 12 phone calls I got the closest by calling Travis Perkins getting a 2 x 4 “planed plank of wood” which I can wedge between the walls at the downstairs loo…stopping him from falling off…

So we have got a normal bed, some 2 x 4 “plank from TP, a 1 acre field with a bucket and a huge heart…no nurses, no call out service, not the same service from the NHS as they might expect…but you see, the problem is they look up to me…the country where I live, all the good things we do in Britain and the enormous power we have globally, they see the same Tony and Gordon show on TV like we do…

They know we have spent £94 trillion on the health service and if you turn up from Belize with two heads, they can separate it in London, also being able to reverse transsexual operations in morning with people checking in being called Jane, exiting being called John, they will inseminate Alan at 11 am and by 6 pm he is called Alice and is pregnant with twins…all paid for by the NHS.

But what they don’t know is that we have a higher rate of chickenpox and rubella than any other country in the western world and TB is on the increase…it will take you 18 months to have your damaged spleen removed and 24 months if you complain…so, welcome dad…we will have a ball and we will look after you…perhaps not as pretty and good looking as your current team in Sweden, but with the same care and attention…and guess what…I will only ask you for one thing…whilst here…you might drink my whisky, eat my food, swim in my pool and sleep in my bed…we might even do a mean wheelchair dance again… but by GOD…do not get sick…because then we are doomed…!