Sunday, August 20, 2006

Not in my backyard...

Dog owners must be one of the strangest people around. Why on earth would you want to own a dog? Shall we take a look at some of the facts about dogs?

Dogs smell; it is a known fact that dogs smell and they do not smell nice. It doesn’t matter how many times you shampoo your mutt, it will smell foul a mixture of wet blanket or like the wet woolly jumper you forgot to dry.

Dogs dribble; I have seen some mongrels which can dissolve more mucus that you and me together even if we have hay fever, sinus infection and a cold, joined together with that “40 a day Marlboro red morning after cough”. They seem to get rid of their mucus by shaking their head violently back and forth creating a mucus projectile which will fly at any direction faster than a Roger Federer serve. Forget about using a cloth to wipe it off you will need a hammer and chisel.

Dogs are ugly; ok that the first couple of weeks might be fun and your little crossbreed is quite cute but then reality sets in and you find yourself standing next to a plug ugly creation which could be designed by a blind Dr Frankenstein. It is so darn ugly that you are now embarrassed to take it outside just in case you run into some friends.

Dogs need you all the time; a dog will need your attention all the time from the moment it wakes up in the morning until it falls a sleep at night. It is dependant on you for its survival incapable of performing small tasks like shopping or turning the television on or off.

Walkies; this is the big one, unless you want your backyard turned into a massive turd, this is not as uncommon as you might think, you will need to take the little blighter for at least three walks a day. The walkies will have to be made whether it is raining, snowing, flooding, typhoons or tsunamis because a dog doesn’t care about you and the weather conditions when it needs to go it needs to go so unless your want your shag pile decorated with a different pile you better switch that telly of get your coat on grab the poo bag, shovel and off you go.

Names; if you make the mistake in letting your kids name the dog you will look like an idiot running around in the local park shouting “Sparky” “Winston” or God forbid “Duke” and do not for a second think that your kids are going to do the walkies, the first week maybe but then their iPod and Xbox is more interesting and you are stuck with the bloody dog for the rest of its miserable life.

When we moved into The Barn which backs onto a field that has no public right of way, the only ones with a right to be in the field are the farmer and his cows. The field is situated next to the public park which houses a halfpipe (that is a skateboard ramp to you and me), swings and a football pitch. This is where the dog walkers start to irritate me. They bring their smelly little rats in their cars because they are unable to walk the short distance to the park, then they proceed to walk them over the football field, turning a blind eye to their little “Pixie” when it deposits a mountain on the football pitch. Do you think they would pick it up? Never…They happily leave it there for the Sunday League youngster to pick it up with their football shoes.

With no dog warden around they have resorted to climb the fence, which they first broke and kicked down so they can access the farmers field, walking along and allowing the dogs crapping wherever it feels like and if you do approach them you a met with a tirade of abuse.

Why do these people think that they are not doing anything wrong? Do we have to have dog shit everywhere?

When we contacted the councillor Bill Whelan about the problem asking the council to put up a notice their side in the park, advising the dog walkers that there is no public right of way in the field, it would probably be have to be done as a sign as most of them are too stupid to read, he answered that it was not his problem, “Why should he tell people were they can or cannot walk?” of course it is not his bloody problem… they do not shit in his backyard do they?
Anyway we are now going to collect as much shit as possible and drive it around to his place and dump it there, see how long it will take before he shares our views...if that doesn’t work I will start to go around to the dog walkers houses having a dump at their lawn, so if you read in the papers Swedish man arrested for taking a crap on local councillors hydrangeas, then you know who it was and why…


Anonymous Red Setter said...

Wot I don't get Mr E, is why dog owners refuse to deal with the resulting shit when they're quite complicit spooning bowls of slime-looking Winalot into the dog's front end (and what's all that about, Sir? Spending vast sums annually on Pedigree Chum to win Crufts with an ugly mongrel, for Christ's sake?). Well they could bloody well learn to deal with it when it comes out the opposite end like er, piles of slime-looking winalot on the local penalty spot! Lordy, if this country is to produce a new breed of Beckham (pun intended), he might not be able to actually see the ball when he grows up. It's called toxoplasmosis dear beast-bores and it happens when humans rub the stuff in their eyes. Maybe dog-owners might understand one word they teach at dog-owners' classes (the classes are for the humans, right?). The word is 'Blind' and for good measure, another is 'shite for brains.' Thank you.

Sunday, 20 August, 2006  

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