Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Santa isn't Happy...!!


There is a feeling in the Greatest Britain of all that all is not well. This is a feeling which didn’t just creep along as people are getting depressed over Christmas and the holidays which we are facing. It is not about finding the right tree or ensuring that the Turkey hasn’t been mistreated (before they shoved an electrified cattle prod down their neck and switched on the 240 volts) or even about how many light bulbs we are going to use to light up the garden. Neither is it about how we are going to get Frosty and the Reindeers to stand up straight when it is blowing a gale outside. No the uneasy feeling is all about St Nicholas, Jultomten or Santa Claus as he is known to most English speaking people. You see Santa has fallen foul of the “PC brigade”…they don’t want him to turn up this year as he might offend those who do not believe…You see Jesus, Mary and the Three Wise Men has already been shipped out, no Nativity scene here my friend…they might offend…

The big question is not how they can offend, but who do they offend? Have you met anyone who is offended? Spoken to anyone who is offended, and I don’t mean the grumpy old man who is peeved off because he hates the shopping, the over eating and commercialism behind Christmas, no someone who because of faith or of his or hers ethnic background truly are offended by Christmas?

I personally have never met anyone of a particular ethnic or religious background that is offended by an old man with a beard wearing a red suit…so where does this information come from? Should we be asking us how the information gets into the public domain…?

Well you see I think I have the answer…it works like this…

Sale of newspapers are declining in the UK, with it goes the advertising revenues so editors are starting to panic. Boardroom meetings at Fleet Street are no longer about editorial content (well they no longer reside at Fleet Street, it is just a saying) the discussion is all about circulation and revenues…

Some clever reporters found an easy target, the “PC brigade” and oh boy are they an easy target. There are 1000’s of council workers sitting in their offices with not much going on but reading the latest issue of “How not to offend the diverse culture of Great Britain and the Commonwealth issue 67b”. Then suddenly the phone rings and a reporter starts to ask questions about the Christmas lights and is Santa going to appear at the local Service home and if so are they also going to celebrate the diversity of our community by putting on other festivals…

Picture this…a council worker, not the brightest bulb in the Christmas tree, starts to stutter…shock horror, Santa and Christmas…what to say? so they say…can I get back to you on that…?

Emergency meeting at the council offices, which has just been redecorated and repainted, new office furniture and a new £50,000,000 IT system to allow council workers with childcare problems to “IT commute”….

Council worker… “What are we going to do?”
Council Boss…”Relax call health and safety in”?
Heath and Safety…”Nothing to do with us mate, we checked the legislation and the lights are up in the high street using a 25mm double stainless steel wire, fastened with 4 x 70mm bolts each side, we can have a hurricane and the lights will not come down. Each bulb has been passed by the “carbon foot print” - group and are well within the EU standard of festive lighting directive 4.9. Santa has been passed by the criminal directive board and has an outstanding history of community involvement; the red suit is recyclable in according with the environment department and is made from non flammable material. The beard is natural wool from Welsh sheep which has been whitened without using bleach thus not destroying the rivers. Santa will be driven to the service home in a Toyota Prius, which has been sponsored by the local car dealer and we have entered the sponsorship in the accounts so that we cannot be done for accepting gifts. Rudolf, the driver has been issued with a hands free mobile phone so he can inform when Santa is approaching and the Christmas tree in the square is organic, grown for the purpose which will be pulped after the holiday season and used as mulch on the flowerbeds to reduce weeding thus sawing the parks department time and money but no one told us about being politically correct…
Council boss…”OK, what can we do to ensure that there is enough diversity on the celebrations?”
Council finance boss…”Sorry there is no more money for any extra activities.”
Council boss…”OK rip down the lights, pulp the tree, retire Santa, return the car…we cannot afford to be sued.”

Next day in the paper we read;

Exclusive!!
Council bosses kill off Christmas!!
The borough council issued a statement to our reporter that this year there will be no Christmas decorations or Santa in the borough as the council has to conform to human rights of the diverse Great Britain.

The Brits and the Ethnic community are pissed off, the readers are pissed off, can’t believe what they are reading, circulation goes up advertising increase and everyone is happy at the paper…

Santa however is not…”What is all that about?”

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