Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The Aliens have arrived


I have mentioned before about communication, not the kind of communication which entails opening you mouth and speak to the person who stands in front of you…I am talking about long distance communications, where the old pen and paper and telephone used to be the tools of the trade. These two tools did not come with an instruction manual; well I am sure the latter did. You had to pick the earpiece up, await someone to answer then you piped up, Kensington 1357 please, and by the wonders of technology you were put through, to your brother, uncle or whoever you needed to speak to.

These two wonders, letters and telephone, did however require that user did have some knowledge of the written and the spoken word. That was it, no other details to it. It opened up a completely new world out there allowing long distance communication between parties, lovers, parents and children, even business got it on the act. It was marvellous, but in one way very restrictive. You could send a letter to a client abroad but in those days the reliability of the postal services, whilst better than today, were a bit slow. Also you had to take into account that the person at the other end was able to speak your language…

Now with the wonders of the internet, GSM and 3G the two technologies has merged thus allowing people to communicate across borders without or limited cost, there is however a small drawback, you will need to have the device on which you are going to communicate and the instruction manual is a bit larger than the one provided with letter writing and telephony.

As I am writing I am sitting at Paddington Station in London, having just spent 15 minutes chatting to my niece in Southern Sweden via MSN. It is fantastic and extremely easy to catch up on the news and now at Christmas time when you cannot be with your family as you have set up base in two different countries.

However the other thing you SHOULD require but don’t anymore is the ability to speak a language…this is no longer required it is now null and void…

No wonder that the kids of today have problems…they have only learnt the consonants and not the bloody vowels plus they have replaced every second word with “innit”.

Little men and women, well I am 6’6”, walk around me with a McDonalds in one hand, a bottle of Diamond White the other, making noises such as “innit” “whoa” “right” (noticed that no-one ever says left) “well fit” and my absolute favourite “whateva”…I am seriously concerned that Tom Cruise and his scientology friends might be right…we are all part of an alien plot and by God if you ask me…the buggers have arrived…

There are some advantages with the inability to speak English, which my telephone company has noticed, because this incredibly fast moving breed of aliens are not able to communicate via speech, the phone company have cut my call charges, in order to get me, who can speak, to use their services more. However Royal Mail has gone the other way…because these aliens do not know how to write letters, they have increased the price? How does that work? I am being punished by Royal Mail because I like to send letters, postcards and the odd Christmas card, call me a traditionalist but a card in the post is better than a singing and dancing Rudolf created in flash displayed on my HP, and the tune is always appalling.

So just because I am not trading my smelly used trainers, out of size jeans and collection of action man dolls on Ebay, like these aliens, the post office pushed the price up for me…bastards…Why not charge these trading mongrels more for the second hand crap they are sending and let me have cheaper postage when I send a letter to my Auntie M in Sweden. No that would not work because the mongrels cannot decipher a pricelist, so let’s hit the ones that can…

Their breeding ground must be completely unknown, as it has not been sprayed or overrun by pit bulls yet, but the good thing is that they are into inbreeding as I have never seen or heard anyone in a business suit or by what you and I would call a person of social standing utter the words “innit”. More importantly they are easy to spot by the use of their clothing which predominantly are shell suits. The women have their hair scraped up in a pony tail, greasy unwashed and they always move in groups of two or more…

I am not really a NIMBY but I am worried that with the expansion of “affordable housing” is going to populate the countryside with these creatures and they are going to suck all the nourishment out of the ground which means that our local farmer will not have enough grass for his cattle and I will have to buy meat which have travelled…perish the thought…there goes my carbon footprint target…

Well we could go on but I feel strongly that the cause is lost, the art of writing, languages and communication is lost 4eva, & it wnt b cmg bk…”Wots tht all bout”

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Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Santa isn't Happy...!!


There is a feeling in the Greatest Britain of all that all is not well. This is a feeling which didn’t just creep along as people are getting depressed over Christmas and the holidays which we are facing. It is not about finding the right tree or ensuring that the Turkey hasn’t been mistreated (before they shoved an electrified cattle prod down their neck and switched on the 240 volts) or even about how many light bulbs we are going to use to light up the garden. Neither is it about how we are going to get Frosty and the Reindeers to stand up straight when it is blowing a gale outside. No the uneasy feeling is all about St Nicholas, Jultomten or Santa Claus as he is known to most English speaking people. You see Santa has fallen foul of the “PC brigade”…they don’t want him to turn up this year as he might offend those who do not believe…You see Jesus, Mary and the Three Wise Men has already been shipped out, no Nativity scene here my friend…they might offend…

The big question is not how they can offend, but who do they offend? Have you met anyone who is offended? Spoken to anyone who is offended, and I don’t mean the grumpy old man who is peeved off because he hates the shopping, the over eating and commercialism behind Christmas, no someone who because of faith or of his or hers ethnic background truly are offended by Christmas?

I personally have never met anyone of a particular ethnic or religious background that is offended by an old man with a beard wearing a red suit…so where does this information come from? Should we be asking us how the information gets into the public domain…?

Well you see I think I have the answer…it works like this…

Sale of newspapers are declining in the UK, with it goes the advertising revenues so editors are starting to panic. Boardroom meetings at Fleet Street are no longer about editorial content (well they no longer reside at Fleet Street, it is just a saying) the discussion is all about circulation and revenues…

Some clever reporters found an easy target, the “PC brigade” and oh boy are they an easy target. There are 1000’s of council workers sitting in their offices with not much going on but reading the latest issue of “How not to offend the diverse culture of Great Britain and the Commonwealth issue 67b”. Then suddenly the phone rings and a reporter starts to ask questions about the Christmas lights and is Santa going to appear at the local Service home and if so are they also going to celebrate the diversity of our community by putting on other festivals…

Picture this…a council worker, not the brightest bulb in the Christmas tree, starts to stutter…shock horror, Santa and Christmas…what to say? so they say…can I get back to you on that…?

Emergency meeting at the council offices, which has just been redecorated and repainted, new office furniture and a new £50,000,000 IT system to allow council workers with childcare problems to “IT commute”….

Council worker… “What are we going to do?”
Council Boss…”Relax call health and safety in”?
Heath and Safety…”Nothing to do with us mate, we checked the legislation and the lights are up in the high street using a 25mm double stainless steel wire, fastened with 4 x 70mm bolts each side, we can have a hurricane and the lights will not come down. Each bulb has been passed by the “carbon foot print” - group and are well within the EU standard of festive lighting directive 4.9. Santa has been passed by the criminal directive board and has an outstanding history of community involvement; the red suit is recyclable in according with the environment department and is made from non flammable material. The beard is natural wool from Welsh sheep which has been whitened without using bleach thus not destroying the rivers. Santa will be driven to the service home in a Toyota Prius, which has been sponsored by the local car dealer and we have entered the sponsorship in the accounts so that we cannot be done for accepting gifts. Rudolf, the driver has been issued with a hands free mobile phone so he can inform when Santa is approaching and the Christmas tree in the square is organic, grown for the purpose which will be pulped after the holiday season and used as mulch on the flowerbeds to reduce weeding thus sawing the parks department time and money but no one told us about being politically correct…
Council boss…”OK, what can we do to ensure that there is enough diversity on the celebrations?”
Council finance boss…”Sorry there is no more money for any extra activities.”
Council boss…”OK rip down the lights, pulp the tree, retire Santa, return the car…we cannot afford to be sued.”

Next day in the paper we read;

Exclusive!!
Council bosses kill off Christmas!!
The borough council issued a statement to our reporter that this year there will be no Christmas decorations or Santa in the borough as the council has to conform to human rights of the diverse Great Britain.

The Brits and the Ethnic community are pissed off, the readers are pissed off, can’t believe what they are reading, circulation goes up advertising increase and everyone is happy at the paper…

Santa however is not…”What is all that about?”