Monday, January 15, 2007

United Kingdom of Scandinavia

New Prime Minster Gordon Brown is pushing really hard to keep the United Kingdom united. I cannot fathom why the discussion is really on the table and why people are so concerned about “gaining independence”…It is not a fact that Scotland is dominated by the English nor is the Welsh having problems they are in fact enjoying enrichments beyond their own capability…trust me on this I know what I am talking about I am from Viking stock…and do not suffer from the current identity crisis which the Brits, Scots, English, Northern Irish, welsh, Isle of Man…OK you know what I mean…we had the same problem in Scandinavia and believe me if we could reverse the fact we split the Union, we would be laughing up there in Scandinavia…

I got to take you back to the 733 AD to about 1066 AD when Scandinavia sort of was a little bit bigger than it is today. You see before borders, maps and Google Earth were invented we had a group called the Vikings and they used to run things their own way. They did not take kindly to taking orders from a lot of people and because they were set in their ways, they travelled, and yes they did some naughty stuff…

They were pretty good in reading the shipping forecast which enabled them to set sail from Scandinavia (Sweden, Denmark and Norway to you who fell asleep during history lessons) and settle in places such as Ireland, France, Britain including the Shetland and Orkney Islands, Canada or New Foundland to be more precise. They travelled south to North Africa and east to Russia and Constantinople. They were generally known as traders or looters or rapists or…not the kind of people you wish to invite to your daughters 21st birthday bash…

As with all good things it had to come to an end, Christianity spread and looting became bad business, in a nutshell…

However the important thing is this…Scandinavia is still going strong. Although three countries and a lot of jokes between us we still stick it out, we are mates and we mate…sort of…none of that dragging the blond girl by the hair business… we support each other financially and feel part of each others culture…like as we were still one…and this is were we differ from Greatest Britain…

If Sweden goes out of the World Cup in football we align with Denmark or Norway, it is just the way it is.

There is a scary thought though, not for us but for the rest of the world which is the “Kingdom of Scandinavia”, can you imagine what the outcome would be…

Let’s start with business…how strong would we be as a team?

Energy – well the Norwegians have enough oil to run all Rolls Royce or a country for a week or two, and Sweden produces more electricity than they could use for their B&O flat screens in 4000 years.

Cars – some known manufactures such as solid SAAB, safe Volvo, the insane Koenigsegg and trustworthy Scania Trucks

Warfare – Bofors and Sweden are the 2nd largest arms manufacturer per capita in the world ensuring that the free world knows who at plus where to point their guns at

Telecommunication – Ericsson

Toys – Bang Olufsen, Skype

Alcohol – Tuborg, Carlsberg and Absolut Vodka

Music – ABBA, Cardigans, Aqua…I know we might send them abroad….

Sport – Well imagine a game of football against Team Scandinavia…Larsson, Ibrahimovich, Solkjaer the list is endless. F1 Raikkonen, Rally Solberg athletics Carolina Kluft…unbeatable…

Plus our houses would look nice with all of those Bromma, Öland and Åsheda furniture from Ikea

If you want to put it into figures you are looking at “Kingdom of Scandinavia” having a population of 19 million people and a total GDP of $1 trillion. Compare this to the UK where there is 60 million and a total GDP of $1.8 trillion…spooky…

So in the wake of all of this I cannot understand why Britain…(what is Britain?...lets decipher that a bit first) is arguing…you have it so live with it…

United Kingdom consists of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland on purpose I am leaving out countries such as Bermuda, Pitcairn Islands (pop 47) and Gibraltar as they have strange government setups and really do not contribute to the UK economy…

Great Britain includes the above PLUS The Isle of Wight, Anglesey, Isles of Scilly and the Hebrides but NOT the Isle of Man nor the Channel islands, Jersey or Guernsey as they are a Crown dependency…you see how confusing this is…The Isle of Man is not part of Europe, but a part of the British Isles not Great Britain and do not have a representative in Brussels…Head of state is the Lord of Mann…but in this case, a woman, Queen Elizabeth II…Are you with me?

A major identity crisis…

No wonder the Scots won’t support England, just look at that beanbag of tennis player Andrew Murray. He is Scottish and said he rather support Guinea Pig eating Ecuador than England in the world cup…lets see how the fans like that at Wimbledon

So this takes us to my point…why are we having this discussion? 1000 years of getting on with it should be enough…don’t you think?

Make it a law…if your country is not in the world cup you must support the nearest country…and if you don’t like it? I say split it up…no more sitting on the fence…Split it up the whole sad lot just like football…

No more Great Britain in the Olympics…let each team fight for it self. No more “Great Britain Nul Points” at the Eurovision Song Contest. No more financial support to Scottish run down estates from Wales and England…Let Northern Ireland sort itself out pull out all soldiers and stop all financial support. Let the Welsh have the assembly and sing song language. Set up border controls to stop immigration south, west and north of the border. Cut all funding for film and television making north of the border so we don’t get any more episodes of Taggart, let each nation fund their own media activities, businesses and their own hospitals as they are rich enough to look after their own…here are the numbers…

Scotland population 5 million GDP $130 billion

Wales population 3 million GDP $48 billion

England population 50 million GDP $1.7 trillion

Northern Ireland population 1.7 million GDP $33 billion

I say enough yapping about the Union cut them loose and see how they get on…who needs them? In the meanwhile I shall be looking at the second coming of the Vikings, this time not in their longboats but in the shiny Volvos and Saabs, Abba blaring out of their B&O speaker system getting organised via their Ericsson mobile communication systems slapping a BIG FAT IKEA in the centre of your towns, this time exchanging money for goods in the from of napkin rings, picture frames, soft furnishings and missing Allen keys and screws for your flat packed wardrobes…and because you are not working together you cant stop us…when the sun sets and our bellies are full we will reminisce over a few Scandinavian beers plotting our next move…turning Bermuda into a Scandinavian holiday park….

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Anonymous Red Army said...

An interesting blog Mr E, thank you.

Vikings! I applaud you. Crikey. I never knew our Viking buddies were so clever or productive! They even managed to rename our villages along the whole of the east coast, something even Red Ken couldn't do if he had half the wave-power Kanut (Canute) thought he had.

I suppose us English should try out a few Norse-themed Scotts piss-ups like 'Up helly aa!' to see what the future might have been like, 1000 years on. Blonde-braded wenches serving us ale from the horn sure gets me excited this dreary Monday morn.

Personally, I love the idea of aligning ourselves with our nearest cultural or sporting neighbour when it's gone to penalites and we have to slink off home with our English tails between our legs.

Glorious, wouldn't it be, to carry on cheering and waving our rattles for the tartan army (who only migrate down to London just to squat and do jobbies in the fountains of Emnpire and hang like fruit bats off our goalposts till they snap (like Mel Gibson's Swan Vestas only without the blue war-paint); or the Welsh who only make it to junction 20 of the M4 to feel they've travelled abroad.

If only we had a supermarket that sells refrigerated meatballs, little galvanised biro and rubber buckets, and cupboards that can be assembled in minutes with an alan key and a few choice Anglo-Saxon (and Norse?) expletives.

If it wasn't for an ancient Italian who put up a 73½ mile leylandii fence to quarantine those pesky Caledonian barbarians 2000 years ago, then maybe we'd be a more united kingdom. Till then, I'm afraid Mr E - disunited we stand, and fall.

Monday, 15 January, 2007  
Anonymous comrade412 said...

Not, that its particularly relevant to what your trying to say but there did exist a United Kingdom of Scandinavia, for about a hundred years in the 14th called the Kalmar Union centrury, until a man called Gustav Vasa decided that Norway, Sweden and Denmark, really should be differnt countries. It ended in an incident called the Stockholm Bloodbath, where the king of Denmark in a last gasp of authority massacred the people of Sweden, sparking a civil war. The next 500 years saw poor Norway traded back and forth among the two larger players, like a girl at a Viking birthday party, destroying the economies and eliminating there ability to be world powers of all 3. So by all means if we can stomacch 500 years of civil war in the British Isles, lets split the country up, just warn me first so I can run for cover, okay?

Sunday, 05 April, 2009  

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