Friday, January 26, 2007

Strike and your out!


Having spent huge amounts of money flying around the world in business, I have had my fare share of British Airways troubles. Mostly these have been lost bookings, not getting the seat I wanted or being bumped off from business class to economy when the plane was too full. There have also been good times, like when the business class in Tokyo was too full and I was upgraded to First Class. BA was always a sort of home from home and at the time we were not allowed to fly Virgin Atlantic, this was a corporate decision, sure someone was making money somewhere on that deal…

I switched my alliance when I changed jobs and the company was only flying Virgin, where possible, and after having flown Virgin there was no going back. It is a completely different experience, but then their routes are so completely different, they for example do not fly London – Barcelona, so they can afford to upgrade the service and make you feel that you are an important person whether you are flying Upper Class or Premium Economy…Having met Richard back in the mid 90’s on Virgin Records 21st Anniversary, he had the pleasure of joining me on a Virgin flight to Cape Town a couple of years ago. He is a very shrewd but nice business man and I got invited to small party with some of his staff in Cape Town…a very “jolly” affair…Noting in the papers today, that he is offering all stranded BA passengers free travel on Virgin Railways during the BA strike is just another brilliant but very nice honest PR stunt…but I must say that I am feeling a bit sorry this time for BA…

It’s been tough for British Airways lately…terrorists’ alerts, fog never seen before, catering staff not making sandwiches and a massive luggage mountains left at Heathrow. Then when you think that the worst is over and all staff will join forces and get the company back on track…they go on strike…and for what?

The Transport and General Workers Union members have decided that they wish to have more money in their pockets plus they want above average days off sick…on average a BA cabin crew member works 150 days a year, average days sick 12 (down from 22) and are paid above average wage (compared to other major UK based airlines). The Union has drawn up a plan of 12 different conditions which should be classified as “illness” and should automatically give the entitlement to stay at home, among those are;

Sore toenails

Eye infections

Sexually transmitted herpes (what do they do there up in the cabin?)

Common cold

Ear infection

Here is how I would have dealt with it. Accept their proposal for days off in return for a change to immediate sacking of the following;

Rudeness: one single complaint from a passenger no matter how trivial.

Serving the red wine in first class cold.

Bumping the passenger sitting in the isle seat with the trolley when going past.

Ignoring the “call attendance bell” for more than 30 seconds.

Not giving passenger their preferred food.

Finally telling an economy seat holder when he or she is asking if there are any newspapers left could they have one, only to be told -“sorry they are for business class passengers only”…

When flying on a budget airline, which sells itself as a “no frills airline” you expect no frills…but when paying top dollar to fly the “worlds favourite airline” you expect service.

Take these overpaid under worked waitresses in the sky and get them down to earth quickly, sack the moaners and get people who would be delighted to work for BA under the current conditions…what is Romanian for “Could I have red wine please?”…

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Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Trailer Trash Trio TV


The country is in uproar and Mr Brown, the soon to be elected “Prime Minster”, is being hunted like a dog on the run in Mumbai for antics which is taking place in the Big Brother House in his Greatest Britain of all…

To you whom are not acquainted with the concept it is very simple. You choose people, who are exhibitionist and want nothing more than fame, at whatever price, and put them in into a “house”. Film their every move, like a bad CCTV scenario, and people will watch them…sounds pretty dull...you are right it is.

Then to make it "more interesting" add a charitable cause, and replace the “house martins” with celebrities, well really not celebrities, these are people which you have not heard of, since we have yet to start watching "UK Goldest Gold Mach II", but these “celebrities” since they have nothing else to do, are so desperate they will go in to the house and get humiliated, best place for them as Henry would say…all in the cause of a good well meaning a charity, nothing to do with trying to resurrect their fading never lit star…

The concept has taken a dive lately and ratings are so low and then you have the other effect which is that most people are praying that this will be the last season of this nonsense. How wrong we were…This time the geniuses at Endemol, the programme makers, have come up with a cracker. They have placed the epitome of trailer trash in the name of Jade Goody (claim to fame a former “non-celebrity” contestant on big brother), Danielle Lloyd (girlfriend of Terry Sheringham, well atleast until she gets out so he can tell her its over…) and Jo O’Meara (apparently a singer who used to be in a group called S club 7???) in the house with people who can speak languages and appear to be quite normal, in their own way...a recipe for disaster…or top ratings??

The country is in uproar because there are racial slurs from the Trailer Trash Trio against a Bollywood actress. I am surprised over the reactions because the Trailer Trash Trio represents exactly what this country has become…uneducated, stupid, single mothers (like Jade Goody), with intelligence on par with the Greatest Britain government itself…

This country is now fed upon celebrity gossip and tittle tattle with little or mostly no substance to it and then when it hit the screen, there are calls for the programme to be stopped and the contestants in question to be hung drawn and quartered…which I my view would do very little.

I therefore suggest the following three steps to be taken for the Trailer Trash Trio;

Teach them to read and write, always a good start in life.

Teach them respect, whip them if need be.

Educate them in such a manner that they are able to see the faults of their own parents.

More importantly...strangle the bloodline that feeds them, by banning the use of their images in all forms of media.

The above would not just make them better people but it would save us, educated people, from accidentally hearing or reading about their drivel in newspapers and when zapping trying to avoid adverts for cheap loans we don’t need…sign the petition on dubau dabau dabau dot trailertrashtrioeducation dot com...Thank you!

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Monday, January 15, 2007

United Kingdom of Scandinavia


New Prime Minster Gordon Brown is pushing really hard to keep the United Kingdom united. I cannot fathom why the discussion is really on the table and why people are so concerned about “gaining independence”…It is not a fact that Scotland is dominated by the English nor is the Welsh having problems they are in fact enjoying enrichments beyond their own capability…trust me on this I know what I am talking about I am from Viking stock…and do not suffer from the current identity crisis which the Brits, Scots, English, Northern Irish, welsh, Isle of Man…OK you know what I mean…we had the same problem in Scandinavia and believe me if we could reverse the fact we split the Union, we would be laughing up there in Scandinavia…

I got to take you back to the 733 AD to about 1066 AD when Scandinavia sort of was a little bit bigger than it is today. You see before borders, maps and Google Earth were invented we had a group called the Vikings and they used to run things their own way. They did not take kindly to taking orders from a lot of people and because they were set in their ways, they travelled, and yes they did some naughty stuff…

They were pretty good in reading the shipping forecast which enabled them to set sail from Scandinavia (Sweden, Denmark and Norway to you who fell asleep during history lessons) and settle in places such as Ireland, France, Britain including the Shetland and Orkney Islands, Canada or New Foundland to be more precise. They travelled south to North Africa and east to Russia and Constantinople. They were generally known as traders or looters or rapists or…not the kind of people you wish to invite to your daughters 21st birthday bash…

As with all good things it had to come to an end, Christianity spread and looting became bad business, in a nutshell…

However the important thing is this…Scandinavia is still going strong. Although three countries and a lot of jokes between us we still stick it out, we are mates and we mate…sort of…none of that dragging the blond girl by the hair business… we support each other financially and feel part of each others culture…like as we were still one…and this is were we differ from Greatest Britain…

If Sweden goes out of the World Cup in football we align with Denmark or Norway, it is just the way it is.

There is a scary thought though, not for us but for the rest of the world which is the “Kingdom of Scandinavia”, can you imagine what the outcome would be…

Let’s start with business…how strong would we be as a team?

Energy – well the Norwegians have enough oil to run all Rolls Royce or a country for a week or two, and Sweden produces more electricity than they could use for their B&O flat screens in 4000 years.

Cars – some known manufactures such as solid SAAB, safe Volvo, the insane Koenigsegg and trustworthy Scania Trucks

Warfare – Bofors and Sweden are the 2nd largest arms manufacturer per capita in the world ensuring that the free world knows who at plus where to point their guns at

Telecommunication – Ericsson

Toys – Bang Olufsen, Skype

Alcohol – Tuborg, Carlsberg and Absolut Vodka

Music – ABBA, Cardigans, Aqua…I know we might send them abroad….

Sport – Well imagine a game of football against Team Scandinavia…Larsson, Ibrahimovich, Solkjaer the list is endless. F1 Raikkonen, Rally Solberg athletics Carolina Kluft…unbeatable…

Plus our houses would look nice with all of those Bromma, Öland and Åsheda furniture from Ikea

If you want to put it into figures you are looking at “Kingdom of Scandinavia” having a population of 19 million people and a total GDP of $1 trillion. Compare this to the UK where there is 60 million and a total GDP of $1.8 trillion…spooky…

So in the wake of all of this I cannot understand why Britain…(what is Britain?...lets decipher that a bit first) is arguing…you have it so live with it…

United Kingdom consists of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland on purpose I am leaving out countries such as Bermuda, Pitcairn Islands (pop 47) and Gibraltar as they have strange government setups and really do not contribute to the UK economy…

Great Britain includes the above PLUS The Isle of Wight, Anglesey, Isles of Scilly and the Hebrides but NOT the Isle of Man nor the Channel islands, Jersey or Guernsey as they are a Crown dependency…you see how confusing this is…The Isle of Man is not part of Europe, but a part of the British Isles not Great Britain and do not have a representative in Brussels…Head of state is the Lord of Mann…but in this case, a woman, Queen Elizabeth II…Are you with me?

A major identity crisis…

No wonder the Scots won’t support England, just look at that beanbag of tennis player Andrew Murray. He is Scottish and said he rather support Guinea Pig eating Ecuador than England in the world cup…lets see how the fans like that at Wimbledon

So this takes us to my point…why are we having this discussion? 1000 years of getting on with it should be enough…don’t you think?

Make it a law…if your country is not in the world cup you must support the nearest country…and if you don’t like it? I say split it up…no more sitting on the fence…Split it up the whole sad lot just like football…

No more Great Britain in the Olympics…let each team fight for it self. No more “Great Britain Nul Points” at the Eurovision Song Contest. No more financial support to Scottish run down estates from Wales and England…Let Northern Ireland sort itself out pull out all soldiers and stop all financial support. Let the Welsh have the assembly and sing song language. Set up border controls to stop immigration south, west and north of the border. Cut all funding for film and television making north of the border so we don’t get any more episodes of Taggart, let each nation fund their own media activities, businesses and their own hospitals as they are rich enough to look after their own…here are the numbers…

Scotland population 5 million GDP $130 billion

Wales population 3 million GDP $48 billion

England population 50 million GDP $1.7 trillion

Northern Ireland population 1.7 million GDP $33 billion

I say enough yapping about the Union cut them loose and see how they get on…who needs them? In the meanwhile I shall be looking at the second coming of the Vikings, this time not in their longboats but in the shiny Volvos and Saabs, Abba blaring out of their B&O speaker system getting organised via their Ericsson mobile communication systems slapping a BIG FAT IKEA in the centre of your towns, this time exchanging money for goods in the from of napkin rings, picture frames, soft furnishings and missing Allen keys and screws for your flat packed wardrobes…and because you are not working together you cant stop us…when the sun sets and our bellies are full we will reminisce over a few Scandinavian beers plotting our next move…turning Bermuda into a Scandinavian holiday park….

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Thursday, January 11, 2007

iWish iBrand Apple would make me an iMaid


No one could have escaped Steve Jobs lately…sorry there might be some of you 2 billion users of PC’s who has no clue who Steve Jobs is, but to the 60 million give and take a few Mac users HE IS GOD….yesterday he announced the new i-doda i-yobbie, toy called iPhone…give me a break will you…

Recently I watched an interesting program about the history of the music scene in LA staring from about 1967 with the Byrds taking us through to the Eagles with guys like David Geffen sitting down and telling me the reason behind the huge success of his record company was due to the fact that he had no contracts with the artists…Great David…most of your clients at the time were so stoned that they had no clue what they were saying nor would they have had a clue what they were signing so what’s the big deal?

The big deal was all about FREEDOM…going against the flow and telling corporate America to stick it where the sun don’t shine…excellent philosophy but you see behind the scenes there was a big flaw of the plan. The biggest hippie band of all times Crosby Stillls Nash and Young sold out to corporate America and went on a world tour with Jumbo jets (there goes the carbon foot print again) limos, and several trucks…for four guys with acoustic guitars…well I never…

Little did we know at the time that around the corner a band with roots in deepest Texas (the song Desperado gave it away) mixed country and western with folk music talking to the masses and in pure hippie style, set out on a stadium tour….What a stadium tour!!…These are folk singers, singers of the people….I am sorry sir but I have to inform you that you are incorrect… The band called the Eagles might sound like they are just like us but no…they are there for the "old green back"…the mighty dollar (well not so mighty at the moment, I can get two of those suckers for just one of my little Stirling coins) which brings me back to Mr Jobs…the Geffen of the 21st century and saviour of Macworld….

Having started my career on a Macintosh Lite25 I thought that someday someone will make these machines good and useful…but hey I was so wrong as they made them cool and useless instead.
Which is why there is only some 60 million hippies which has not understood that you get more power from other equipment and file sharing is 10 times easier…but you see Mr Jobs was a smart guy, he though that the evil Mr. Gates is gaining advantage so he needed to invent something to tie his dipsy customers in…so he invented the letter “i”…What a clever man he he is...he knew what dimwit customers he had…

Imagine the meeting one morning at Macworld and bearded Eagle listening freaks are sitting around the table and Mr Jobs says “i” the crowd says “ohhhh” Jobs says no not “ohhhh”…”i”…the crowd goes “i”…

From that day the iPod is born, the iMac, the iTunes, the iSight and now…love and behold…the iPhone…people which looks like they should have been on Sunset Strip in 67 before the corporate takeover, are queuing outside Macworld for a peek at the latest i….almost like a peepshow in Amsterdam or Hamburg (no offence to these two lovely cities) nor to the ladies who applies their trade in the iBooth…and they believe that they are going against the flow...no corporate America here my friend...right...you iDipstick

Never has there been such a surge for the latest iProduct and whilst Jobs does his show…calling jokingly to the local Starbucks from the stage, to prove it can make a phone call, and ordering 4000 coffees (well it is in America so we are talking about 2 pints of hot milk with a hint of coffee per person) he shows of the gadgetry of the new iPhone which can do everything you want…but better…so if you are ready here’s the lowdown…

Video – It has a wide screen
Phone – It will make and receive calls
Internet – You can surf the net
Touch- it has a touch screen

I am sure that there are people out there now jumping up and down with joy…I am sorry if you are three years old and can read this you are too young and need to ask your parents first to buy one…but if you are over voting age with a mental capacity to decide right from wrong you must be able to see that inventing a phone with those qualities and sticking an “i” in front of it will not just do…so here is what I suggest to Mr Jobs.

Go away and stop playing to the hippie crowd and do something useful...invent an iMaid…

Downloadable from the net via one of your iGadgets/iMacs it will clean, wash, cook and be handle my invitations to the local fox hunt, come spring…and most importantly run on rechargeable batteries…then I will be impressed….
What’s that all about…iCare? iDont...

Update 11 January, 2007 12:12 GMT
Just a day after Apple launched its new iPhone, Cisco Systems has filed the case of trademark infringement against Apple in federal court Wednesday, for using the iPhone name.
Cisco has owned the trademark "iPhone" since 2000. Cisco's Linksys, makers of networking products, use the trademark for its Voice over Internet Protocol, or VoIP products.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs launched Apple's iPhone this week, which comes equipped with touch-screen-controlled cell phone device that plays music, surfs the Web and delivers voicemail and e-mail.

Apple responded to the lawsuit by saying "We think Cisco's lawsuit is silly".

Come on guys handbags at dawn...

Does this sound like another court hearing for Apple…last time they entered the court rooms it was for the use of Apple on music products, a trademark which the Beatles record label owns…Why don’t the just change the name to Banana?

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Saturday, January 06, 2007

Greatest Britain votes wisely…


Christmas is over, New Year has arrived, the Turkey carcass is now comfortable in the freezer waiting for spring when it will be defrosted and with a piece of ham be converted to Turkey soup.

It is on the matter of Turkeys that I have been drawn lately, not because mine was particularly over-cooked, over-priced or in anyway supported by a overprized supermarket chain… no it is the small matter of “Turkeys” which we have lately seen running things... From the Enron debacle with Ken Lay to the smaller matters such as The United States of America and the Greatest Britain, has been bothering me lately and I am sure it has you too..., correct?
We sort of hate Turkey don’t we? Come Christmas we buy the most ugliest bird, cook it and then scoff down the sucker with way too many roast potatoes and far to many Brussels sprouts, which inevitably will harm your new measured carbon foot print. Who says that flying jets is hurting the environment? Go for the sprouts and you’ll find more damage, not just in bedrooms, but in the ozone layer. I can see a black market trading starting on sprouts…

So back to Turkeys…Why is it that we choose “Turkeys” such as George Walker Bush, Anthony Charles Lynton Blair, Robert Gabriel Mugabe, and Saparmyrat Ataýewiç Nyýazow (former leader of Turkmenistan) to run our countries? We all know that they lie…steal, in for the fame, the status and the girls…but still we want them to work for us… where is the sense in that?

Just look at “Georgie”… “I will protect Americas interest”!!! Right, sure you did mate…you crashed into Iraq with no exit plan some 3,000 dead soldiers, un accounted dead Iraqi civilians, and at a cost of billions, your dollar is weak, market economy is SH1T and still you believe that you know what you are doing.
“Tone”, over in the Greatest Britain of all, promised education, education, education (just in case we didn’t get it the first time) and we ended up with taxes, taxes, taxes (Tone just in case you and Gordon didn’t get it the first time)…immigration which is out of control, plus we have some 30,000 service personnel shooting at people in some 30 countries, with crap armour and their spouses are living in crappy accommodation. This doesn’t worry “Tone” too much as he spends his family holiday in Miami staying at the Bee Gee’s Villa…so no worries there…

Mugabe…well where do we start? He has raped and pillaged (in such a fashion that he is giving the Vikings a bad name) the country for 26 years now and once a prosperous beautiful place it is starving, people are dying and “Bobby” is just getting richer. Saparmyrat…well he checked out some weeks ago…heart attack…God bless, shame that there was no-one to film it and stick it on the web…

You see all of these guys have something in common…they are all liars…self promoting megalomaniacs…looking for the next deal which will make them richer, all in the name of “Honour of Public Office”…ENOUGH!!!

I think that from now on we should only vote for people that say what they think…and make it publicly clear what they want and what they stand for which is why I wish to nominate Jeremy Clarkson for Prime Minster…

Before you click off and get you knickers in a twist hear me out…Jeremy Charles Robert Clarkson, has no political ambition, he does not need the fame, nor the money (his mum invented Paddington Bear for heavens sake, how cool is that…) therefore there will be no conflict of interest. He has a political name, Charles and Robert…sounds great, doesn’t it…just look at Mugabe and Blair they copied his names. Furthermore Rt. H. Jeremy C. R Clarkson is known to say what he thinks, probably constrained a bit under the shroud of BBC’s politically correct patrol, but when let loose he goes for it…

Just look at him when he punched that bloke who was the editor of the Mirror…whatever his name is…(I believe he is doing some cable TV in the US at the moment for Simon Cowell) or that time he was on the last flight of Concord (since I don’t have an alliance to the French I shall not add the E at the end…it is my right) when he chucked champagne all of the same cable TV presenter bloke…hilarious… and he does a nice photo shoot...

You see someone like Jeremy would be great…because we know what he thinks and what he stands for…unless he has been lying to us in all those DVD’s and television motoring shows for years…surely he hasn’t? Has he?...

No of course not…this is the guy we need at the top…no ifs and no buts just get on with it…

We would have a total ban on speed cameras…
No speed limits, apart from outside schools, where parking would be abolished and if you parked to drop of your child you would be jailed…YES!!!
Abolish the congestion charge
Free public transport, thus allowing people with fast cars to drive on the roads…fast
Abolish ASBO’s and get the buggers to do unpaid jobs like litter picking, public toilet cleaning, walking dogs for old ladies when it rains…all wearing PINK jumpsuits…
Invade a rich country with no guns so we could get some loot…sorry that is what the present guys do…

anyway

The list is long and I am sure that you agree it is now time to vote for someone who says the way it is…Therefore Vote Clarkson for Prime Minster and get the Greatest Wheels of Britain moving…we might even get a car manufacturing plant set up…

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