Tuesday, July 31, 2007

We have water...well sort of...


Yesterday Severn Trent Water announced that we were going to get our water back, which is just going to be great. After 12 days with no water in the taps I am becoming a little irritable. I have just poured the first glass of Gloucestershire finest and in order for you to appreciate it I placed it between a glass of Coca Cola and a glass of Evian water…

STW, have sent a stark warning to all of us, do not drink it, do not cook with it, do not brush your teeth in it just flush toilets and shower in it, basically drive you car on it…well I am not so sure, I would suspect that if flushed my toilets with it, it might clog the system, nor do I believe that I would like to shower in it…

I am thinking that I am going to set up an instant tanning shop…Instead of standing in front of some 1000W halogen light bulbs I am going to let people shower in my water, this would give them this orange looking glow which has been taken up by the likes of Victoria Beckham and numerous other celebrities…

Anyway; today’s price must go to the Gloucestershire bloke who brought a hosepipe to a bowser/water tank connected it and proceeded to wash his car…don’t you just love the Greatest Britain…

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Fashion in Gloucestershire


Fashion follows the weather...this is now all the rage in Gloucestershire...

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Mad dogs and Englishmen


Deluge…in mythology, a great flood as an act of retribution to destroy civilisation…or as the Environment Agency says, once every 200 years…which would clearly discount the great flood of 1947…well what would they know anyway?

What I cannot understand is the explanations why it was flooded? Everyone is looking at the adverse weather conditions, climate change as the reasons. The Telegraph is even going as far as claiming that we are stuck with Sweden’s weather…rubbish…if that was the case why is my brother sunning himself and lighting the “Barbie” when I am trying to buy a canoe…

The fact is that whilst flooding occurs when the rivers rise, they burst their banks and water goes onto a floodplain which soaks the water up. Now when the rivers burst their banks the water ends up in Mrs Jones front garden because she so wanted to buy that affordable home with a river view…tarmac and concrete as we know are pretty bad in soaking up water. I have some 500sqm of tarmac at my property which is served by three…yes three tiny drains…so when you get 140mm of rain per sqm in one hour, it is going to be difficult to remove it. I have of course ensured that I have “run off areas”, in to paddocks and fields which solves the problem, for how long I don’t know, if the government follows John “Two Jags” Prescott’s plan I will wake up one morning with 400 Mrs Jones squealing in my back garden because her begonias are swamped…It is not brain surgery it is bloody common sense…

Today after riots settled at Tesco’s car park in Quedgeley, Gloucestershire, The Greatest Britain, during a water distribution session, one local who is 91 and fought in WWII put it home to us “I once went 5 days without water in Burma, and I have seen men go mad from thirst”…well I am sure had health and safety not closed the pubs down, due to inability to flush the loos, the country would have been a bit calmer…perhaps when Gordon Brown’s 15,000 portable toilets arrive we will see a difference…I am sure we will be able to smell it…

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Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Under-educated and under water...


Has weight watchers suddenly become famous in the Gloucestershire area or is there something else behind the disappearing ready meals from my local store?

Well you might have spotted in the news that we have had a bit of bother here in the Cotswolds. The rain came down last Friday in such fashion that we got a bit wet. I was a bit unlucky as I was out driving on Friday and the A40 from Oxford to Cheltenham was more than a bit wet. What made me so angry was the people who had gone out and bought a Range Rover/Land Rover and was toddling around frightened to get the wheels wet. A person in one of those 4 wheel drive, who never seen the adverts what a car like that can do, stopped in front of me and turned around. I looked at the road ahead and whilst it was a “tad wet” it was no more that my Pug could handle so I drove on…when I arrived home, I had to find my Wellingtons in the garage and wade through the flooded back of the Barn. No worries there, it was all fine. You see when you have to rely on your own actions then it is fine, it is when you have to take other services into account things start to go wrong.

Saturday until Monday was in complete darkness, the power station was flooded so no electricity. We had news delivered via our little wind up radio and friends in London kindly updated us via text messages. Monday midnight the electricity made a comeback only to be replaced with no water. I went to the shops to find some newspapers and I have never seen anything like it. The Greatest Britain, who always say “stiff upper lip” and that, has turned into a nation of yobs and slobs. The police are now patrolling the supermarket, to stop fighting and at the water distribution centres, mine is the local garden centre in the village, people a queuing like water is never coming back again…

I liked the old dear in the queue who said, “well this is just like the war you know” and I thought, how sweet, until she pushed ahead of me in the queue to get some water…bloody old bat…

The shelves in the supermarkets are empty, “Lard Arse” has been down there and bought all the pies, including all of the weight watchers bloody ready meals, well he’ll be sorry when he heats his meal…it is never to late to learn how to read…

So people are complaining about not being able to flush their toilets, but I shall sit as a king on my throne, safely in the knowledge that flushing the loo is never going to be a problem, some of us have a swimming pool…I just hope Lard Arse clogs his u-bend with his weight watchers meal…

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Thursday, July 05, 2007

The Chinese or Mr Brown PM who to blame?


Planks of wood…or timber as it is known in the building industry are now a scarce commodity. I have recently undertaken some major building work at the Barn and have come across a small strangulation of recourses in The Greatest Britain and beyond. Fitting a new kitchen, putting a new ceiling up in the pool house, some small electrical work was stifled by the price of timber and copper…

We have for a long time been aware that everything here is now more expensive that in Europe, Brown is taxing us to the hilt and soon taxes will have taxes…I was trying to source some T&G for the ceiling in the pool house, you see a British favourite plasterboard wont do as the ceiling will absorb the moisture from the pool and before you know if you find yourself stiff in the largest plaster vat you ever seen. So T&G which is either varnished or white waxed will do the trick. My new “friends” the local building merchants did not know what hit them when I started to ask about their prices…How much??? Well coming from a country which exports more timber than pop songs, I naturally went there to source my wood…Even in Sweden the prices has rocketed and asking the suppliers there they explained it to me in one word, China…

The Chinese are building like there is no tomorrow, well we are buying so much from them that most manufacturing is now moved to the People’s Republic that they need so much raw material that prices here are being pushed up…so let me think about this for just a second, we shut down our own manufacturing plants, move it to China because labour is cheaper, the Chinese in return buy up all timber and copper they can lay their hands on so we sufferer shortages, prices go up…where is the sense in that?

Well I managed to get my T&G in Sweden and they provided them with a white wax finish, all the screws and clips including delivery to the Greatest Britain at 24 pence cheaper per meter. When you are buying 1800 meters it’s a big difference also when I found out that I did not need to stand and treat them first…

So ceiling sourced next chock was the copper pipes for the heating system…again some little nifty Chinese has been in there, why I don’t know what do they want copper pipes for, and bough the lot so now when I needed 30 meters of pipe I had to pay a premium…

Well considering that we have so called global warming, wasn’t June a picture of global warming? Where is this so called global warming? The sun shines, it is because of global warming. It rains cats and dogs, it’s because of global warming.

Sorry guys I believe it is the Chinese who are behind it…the have imported all the bloody wood from Scandinavia and Eastern Europe and are building little rowing boats in the rowing boats factory ready to ship out to us…call them what you want, but are not stupid….

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