Friday, August 31, 2007

The rain falls...well not...on Spain


Spain…a country of many talents, none of which you can easily mention, but in a world were we are faced with extreme weathers, heat in one end of Europe and flooding in the other, economic boom in one end of the Middle East and fighting and murder in the other…you would think the Spanish would come up with something new and fresh and by God have they???

Did they sit down and find out a way for Fernando Alonso to beat Lewis Hamilton? No.

Did they work out a way to make Sangria more attractive outside Spain? No

Did they make the Seat car sexier for car buyers? No.

Solved cancer? HIV? Re-catalogued all species of flowers? Fuelled a rocket to the moon based on their lovely wine? Solve the financial downturn in the US housing market? Made the cost of staying in Magaluf cheaper? Changed the planning and building laws for foreigners in the Costa Blanca???….NO…NO…and NO

So why is Spain then in the news this week?

You see…Spain has detected a virus which has killed 12 dolphins….
My tuna fisherman kills more than that in a day....

And I thought life was a struggle…..
Ps. Alonso did beat Hamilton...due to a puncture....

Friday, August 17, 2007

Disappointment


Today I am going to deal with disappointment.

I know that in today’s society we should all be protected from disappointment, not for health and safety reasons just because we cannot handle it. As an example kids today are only being told how good they are and not being told that they are bad at something. We all know that we are all different and thank God that we are… Imagine a football team with 11 David Beckhams…great crosses but not much more…I am sorry David I know you have much more talent, when it comes to football, but the fact is that your pin point delivery is out of this world…

Anyway today when it is 30 years since Elvis died I have been disappointed. I am with the family in Sweden for a brief visit and sitting down watching Swedish television on a Thursday evening is dire, boring or just plainly crap. So tonight at least there would be some Elvis stuff on the television. Well the evening started badly with my brother the chef calling to say that the BBQ was off due to rai, so no ribs marinated in maple syrup, mustard and spices a family recepie…then I got the blame for bringing the rain with me from Gloucestershire, this was the first disappointment…

So we had to go to Swedish pizzeria and order some pizzas, you see my mother is a big fan of Elvis and booked ONE ticket for herself to go and see a concert in Helsingborg at a church, where a 50 strong choir was singing Elvis most famous gospel songs…so me and Mrs E was dog and dad sitting…my mum even named the bloody yappy dog Elvis…and no he cannot yap “Houndog”…

Back to pizza…Sweden as you know is famous for a couple of food items, namely meatballs and pickled herring, so I was off to that famous Swedish pizzeria in the village, in Sweden, which is run but that famous pizza chef, Mohammed, from Turkey…didn’t even know that they did pizzas in Turkey…But guess what? In a village of only 3,500 people they have 64 different pizzas, sad to say that none of them were a mixture of local Swedish, Italian, Turkish cuisine kebab pizza with pickled herring…they did in fact have a kebab pizza…

On the way home, walking distance, the skies opened and I got drenched…the pizzas got even more soggy but the good thing it would go well with the “canoe-sex-beer” they sell in the normal supermarket ( you know F***ing close to water)…what a meal…that was disappointment number two…

Dinner finished and we settled down for an evening of television viewing and I asked my dad where the paper was so we could read the television pages…he duly explained that because the paper is expensive (they are pensioners) so they share the paper with the neighbour, very clever…my parents have the paper in the morning and the neighbour has it in the evening (so we had no bloody television pages)…and as it turned out my parents do not have a digital television service so no EPG (Electronic Programme Guide). We finally settled in for a programme on Discovery channel which lasted for one and half hour…a programme about the workings of a combine harvester…in Swedish…12 minutes into the programme Mrs E was fast asleep and my father was running a side commentary about a combine harvester he repaired 25 years ago and remembered all the details…the fascinating thing was how the cockpit was always flat and the proved it by placing a cup of coffee on the instrument panel…gripping stuff… disappointment number three…

Now take this all into account that I had taken Mrs E to look at a potential property in the village which we wanted to buy…a large property, which look fantastic on the outside and I persuaded her to come with me to see it as future investment. She had seen the pictures but none from the inside, she insisted that she wanted to see pictures from the inside of the house before jetting off…this, I said, would be no problem the inside is excellent, I have been told so…well she was right and I was wrong…we should have gotten some pictures because beauty on the outside does not mean beauty on the inside...so that was the last disappointment of the day…

By the way…Did you know a combine harvester can empty 8 tons of grains in only 2.5 minutes and that is enough for 14,000 loafs…fascinating…

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Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Public peeing is on the rise...


It is only the 6th of August and considering the temperatures in Greatest Kingdom of Sweden from the month of October to May the Swedish government has so far in 2007 collected over $250,000 in fines from public urination. So far 2252 people has been fined, quickly moving toward last years record of 3,328 people fined. I am sorry to write about this especially since I know that the Government of the Greatest Britain is an avid reader of my blog and before you know it peeing in the UK will be outlawed...that would be £50 pus VAT (it is of course a luxury to pee) thank you.


The Swedish information does not tell us the breakdown of men vs. women peeing in public…

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Woodentop is in opposition...lets hug a tree...


I am looking for a new job…You know a kind of job where there is no responsibility and where you can screw up indiscriminately, being paid a huge salary and go to big functions, get you name in the paper and ignore what everyone is saying about you…


I want to become a politician…not just any politician but a politician who is in opposition of the government, in a majority opposition position and still looked upon as quite an important job, basically I would like to have David “call me Dave” Cameron’s job…what a hoot that would be…

First I would call all of my friends and ensure that we had an agenda, you know an agenda that would go down well with the people who at the moment is confused and angry with the current government, especially since they are changing their leader, taking out the smarmy guy and putting in a Scotsman who no one likes, that would be such an easy job, kicking butt in the press and embarrassing the government on a daily basis…

I would start by changing my logo for the party, after all why would I want all of the middle England voters who read The Mail and The Telegraph? Papers are so yesterday anyway, so we need to get the new generation of voters, it is more of challenge, convert the labour and liberal voters and get them onside…

So I get a tree...yes a tree…that will really help me to change the voters…what is even more baffling is that the party, which once was run by the tough Mrs T, agrees to have a tree?? as their logo…

Then served as on a silver platter, disaster after disaster happens in the Greatest Britain, some man made and some deemed to be Acts of God…

First we have a bunch of angry Muslim Doctors, perhaps angry with the additional tax added to air travel, or the junior doctor situation in the country, who decided to park a car in central London loaded with gas canisters, nails and to my surprise petrol, they paid tax to Gordon for that, which failed to go off, thanks to the bravery of some sharp emergency personnel. Less than 24 hours later, having failed to bring destruction to London, they drove a Jeep loaded with the same deadly concoction into an airport in Scotland with devastating effect. Luckily no-one, bar the driver, died…

Now we would expect Cameron to be on television left right and centre, with his tree of course, to get sound bites…but he was nowhere to be seen, unless you watched the news on a weird cable channel at 5am…the guy was invisible…

Secondly we had a bit of bother with God…there is always a clause in any commercial contract which says…natural disaster or an act of God…

Well God was not pleased in June and July so he decided to disperse one years of rainfall in just two months…I always said that it would be a bad idea when old ladies and Gents are being asked what they would like us to pray for and they always say “no hose-pipe ban because of my roses”. Well no hose-pipe ban this year then, God thought, and opened the skies…so Hull, Sheffield, Gloucestershire got more water than we could cope with…and Gloucestershire’s Severn Trent Water who did not impose a hose-pipe ban last year when it was 37 degrees centigrade for two months suffered…and so did some 13,000 flooded homes…

Cameron could not believe his luck, improper management of utilities, non government investment in flood barriers, an Environment Agency in disarray and with fat salaries and huge bonuses…I could feel the headlines flying so I bought, against Mr Cameron’s wishes, all the newspapers and all I could see was the Scotsman on each front page, walking in his booties in muddy water, even Prince Charles went out in a dinghy on the muddy waters and Cameron you might ask??? Well he was also in mud, but a mud hut in Rwanda, having local Rwandan journalists asking…”should you not be at home now when your country is flooded”…

Well our Mr Cameron have now learnt from the mistakes and said to his storm troopers that the next time he would be ready…but what would the next thing be…

A dream for opposition leaders opened up. A government backed lab dealing in foot and mouth disease vaccine has had a micro biology security laps so they have in fact spread the disease to a farm and the poor farmer has had his herd infected…country folks are crying remembering the slaughter of 2001, EU slaps a ban on export of British Cattle, Mr Brown come home from his 5 hour long Greatest British holiday from Devon…

…and Cameron???

Well I am not sure yet, I caught some news that a farmer who knew him in the past called him and asked him to stop public access to fields…Cameron said he would get right on it…where he was and what he was doing at the time is just a guess…but if you know could you let me know…my bet is that he was meeting with his PR guys and wanted to find out how he can change his tree…in the meantime Brown is laughing hugging that tree logo each night when he goes to bed…

Note:

There is a photo to be had though by a canny photographer…a suburban Surrey housewife having to dip her Gucci’s before proceeding…

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