Monday, November 26, 2007

Major problem...they fought back...


I am moving so it is OK for me to say what I intend to say. Having just watched a programme about Tony Blair, on the TGBBC (The Greatest British Broadcasting Corporation) about his time being the Prime Minster of The Greatest British Government, one particular question was asked by the interviewer.

Interviewer: Mr Blair….Is it fair to say that you did not have an exit strategy when you decided to engage in war against Saddam Hussein and Iraq?

Mr. Blair (former Prime Minster of The Greatest Britain): That is not fair to say…we did have a strategy, including an exit strategy but we did not count on that the Iraqis, would fight back….

My shortest entry yet, but something which does not need an explanation….

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Friday, November 09, 2007

Give me some bloody strength…


Welcome post number 100 and thank you for still reading...

Many things have irritated me lately and I am not a violent man but right know I want to use my right to kill…and trust me…knowledge is not an issue, many squirrels, birds and foxes have met their untimely death in my hands…however today I am looking at a bigger prey namely the “Eurocrats”.

Before you switch over and go off on a rant and rave telling me that this is old hat, and we all have a grudge against the “Eurocrats”, I might just be able to enlighten you that you are wrong…I am Swedish man, boy to some, and I know the difference between Fahrenheit and Celsius. I also know how to buy bananas by the pound or by the kilo. I understand when weatherman says it is going to be 100 degrees and by God do I know that I will not fry to death as he is talking in Fahrenheit…The Greatest Britain has been shouting for years how to keep their pound and ounces system and I felt fine, go ahead, I am Swedish so I can work it out.
Ask a Greatest British Man about buying half a kilo of potatoes and he is baffled…there must be a mental block in their heads allowing them to convert the weight. Nor do they have a clue about speed…is it 70 or 110? “Well it is anyone’s guess they say”, and go for it until they either drive off the road…on the wrong side…or get stopped by the plod (The Greatest British Traffic Police).

Well now for the first time in many years I start to feel and sympathize with the “GBM” (Greatest British Man) because I have heard that they are going to get rid of the Kilogram…Can you believe it? This is how it is going to work…

Standard experts from 100 nations…how could you even find “Experts” from 100 nations which deal with standardisation? They are going to discuss the issue in Paris, which is like a political wart on the European Political Map…the most excellent place to place it as they are either going to wave the white flag, in surrender, or decide that we are all gay and we cannot talk about it.

Enter dipstick number Uno, a Swede by the name of Anders Thor from the Swedish Standards Institute…”The Kilogram has to change name as it is not systematic to keep it…what an idiot…not systematic for whom?

On Monday the 12th November they are going to decide if four of the seven units used, are going to be changed, the four up for discussion are;

Kilogram: A measure of weight…for my Greatest British friends a Kilogram of potatoes is 2.2lb
Mol: The total length of a lamp, from top of bulb to bottom of base, typically expressed in volt-amperes (VA) see below.
Ampere: The unit of measure of the rate of flow of electric current.
Kelvin: The temperature measurement scale used in the scientific community. Note…Zero K represents absolute zero, and corresponds to minus 459 degrees Fahrenheit or minus 273 Celsius.

Right looking at the above and your day…especially when you go to the supermarket buying items like “King Edwards” and say…Gosh is that price in Kg or Lb? Or don’t you remember ALL the confusion buying new light bulbs and the old lady next to you says…I can never remember how many mols I need? Or the vanilla ice-cream packet that says clearly “do not freeze lower than minus 789 degrees”…

Well all I know is that if there is someone spending money on this rubbish then there is to much money flowing around in the EU corridors…are people creating jobs for themselves here? Sorry stupid question!

The above systems have been in place since the 1700’s and not one person has died because the mol on their light bulb was not right…
“Mr Uberstuhbahn Fuhrer” Anders Thor says that many students at universities are “irritated” that we still use them!! Well Mr. Thor use you bloody sledge hammer and knock them back into reality…tell them quite simply…Who cares?

So when you wake up with a Brussels hangover, your mol and Kelvin will be gone and replaced with Gio and Bes, Gio comes from a Giovanni Giorgi...remember him? I think he sang with Pavarotti during the Five Tenors concert?

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Sunday, November 04, 2007

Mrs E's chest...an affair for smooth roads?


Right I have to tell you about your money...or in this case where your money go! I can tell you now...if you live in Wales it goes on smooth asphalt and In England they charge you twice as much and you get the lumpy bits...
Last week we sold Mrs E’s hand built Pug 306 convertible leaving us only with Esther…our Renault 5, 1986, 1.4L Automatic, with a sunroof.

What you notice when you drive an old bird like Esther is the state of the roads and I must say I am surprised at the state of the road in the Greatest Britain. Two days ago we took the old lady for spin, 400 miles (650km) leaving our comfy garage, where she had an oil change, some Autoglym, a bit of antifreeze and a bit of TLC. We set off to view the village of Portmeirion, famous for its architecture and of course for being the exterior location to The Prisoner television series starring Patrick McGoohan.

To get there we had to cross a few counties in the Greatest England to get to the Greatest Wales and it was when we crossed the border into Wales entering Powys, we started to notice the difference…Mrs E doesn’t like Esther to much cause it makes her boobies jump about a bit, and she says that in her age wearing a sports bra is only stupid…me I have no problem I just have a problem with staring at the road instead of averting my eyes over to Mrs E’s chest bobbing about like two buoy’s in the sea…however in Wales it all stopped…no bobbing or distraction, the road surface was smooth like a baby’s bottom...just an expression…

We drove for hours through Snowdonia National Park and mile after mile the surface was awesome…I never believed I would say this, but not since I drove from Stockholm back to Helsingborg in Sweden or that time before I was married, a girl called Camilla have I ever seen something so smooth…it was like driving on silk, the rubber, cheap ones from Kwik Fit, did not even make a noise anymore. We were not alone there were trucks, the size of lorries driving on the road, locals in very fast 4x4’s wanting to get to their local and not wanting to be the obvious nerd in a classic car I stepped on it…so all Esther’s horse powers had to do their duty…but no bump, no bobbing of Mrs E’s chest just bliss…

We continued in silence, mostly because the BBC has not built out their radio network in Snowdonia National Park, so not by choice, did we have to wait to hear what Jeremy Vine had to say…we caught up with him between moments of classical FM, how come they always get a signal…and spouts of Welsh Radio, which sound like a bunch of Swedes on a midsummer eve’s drunken night out…so smooth….no noise…WHY???

I feel that we have been cheated in the Greatest England…we pay the same road tax…drive the same cars, pay the same for the fuel and they…the Welsh, have smooth roads…not a pot hole every two yards, leaking water pipe, or yellow signs and cones which say “Work will start here in 2008 and will last for 11 years!” Why is that?

Is it because they actually spend their money on the roads. We know that they like a drink in Wales, and a song, which explains the silence of the radio network and it would also explain why there is not a road which is straight, but I don’t care about that. What I care about is smoothness…the ability to take my 1986 Renault 5 and drive it until it hits 60Mph (100km) and feel the road, not sit in the car with two “Nodding Dogs”…

Driving back from Wales exiting again at Powys, we entered England and I tell you not…within 5 minutes of driving we were jumping about in the car like to “doggers at a lay bay“ in Bristol, worried we might get arrested and thrown into jail…and all because they sell lumpy asphalt in England and Mrs E’s chest is distracting my driving…

What is that all about!

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Greatest British Commercial TV lied to me...


If you are reader based in Sweden or in any other country you might not be aware of the plague, which is sweeping the television stations in the country of the Greatest Britain. We have been cheated by what we have been seeing on the television box. What they told us is not true, and they have taken our money for it. For you who has not been deeply involved in the scandal, all television programs have one or other phone in, you know the type were “audience participation” is needed in order to find a winner or the outcome of a competition. Talent shows such as Pop Idol, X Factor are popular shows, but other shows such as, vote for the cutest pet, ugliest cleaning lady or dumbest criminal have also used the same system. Now we have found out that they…the television companies have not been truthful in the results…Winners have been declared losers and losers have been declared winners, so all in all a big mess. Sweden like the Greatest Britain have a television license to fund the programming for its government/state run television channels something which doesn’t exist in the USA, where the old “greenback” decides who you are going to listen to, believe in, and even worse vote for…

However tonight the “Greatest British Commercial Television Station – ITV” stooped to its lowest point ever. It made a fatal mistake it made a complete and utter rubbish programme even worse than what they advertised. Basically it was crap! Mrs E settled down in front of the television tonight after our 8 hour drive in Esther yesterday, to watch the “Great Divas”, a programme highlighting the great music of some of the divas in support of breast cancer month??? We were old that we would see some great clips of real people together with the songs of some of the greatest females of all times and boy were we taken for a ride. We had four sisters being filmed taking a walk and then a postman called Bill jogged on a tread mill in a supermarket for 30 seconds…Wow I was impressed!! By the stupidity of those people and the build up of great “normal people” doing extraordinary things for breast cancer…I was expecting to see Bill the postman at least having breast implants and the four sisters falling down a ravine…but not hiking and jogging on a tread mill…then for our frock changing presenter saying wasn’t that great? You see when you start to anticipate that your audience is on average two years old that is when you start loosing them…

In my days I been responsible for some live television programmes and concerts, which have might not been what they said on the tin. A “live” concert with U2 from Sydney Football Stadium was delayed for two hours because the band and their helpers wanted the time to double check that the recording was OK. They were only found out when the tape switch did not work very well and started to spool the tape…well we explained it all to all of the broadcasters that it was a “human error” and they were happy…some New Years Eve shows we did were recorded a week before so that the “stars” could spend the evening with their friends instead of with a complete bunch of strangers…Jeremy Clarkson told us the other week that when he is testing cars he is driving them around with cameras mounted in the cockpit. Then he goes into a quiet corner to think about what he wants to say about the car and in the meantime someone else takes over the steering wheel and all exterior shots are filmed…so when you think it is Mr Clarkson sliding the car through the “Gambon Corner” of their test track, don’t worry is most likely to be a little puny spiv with a degree in media…

Back to the breast cancer program…Here I am sitting down and Mr Grade the Chief Executive who has repeatedly told me that there will no longer be any lies in television…still tonight he let his team do the biggest sin ever and, lost me as a viewer tonight. He put on a show which was clearly derived by a record company probably Mr Simon Cowell. Some of the acts which appeared on the show like Celine Dion and Girls Aloud, were told don’t worry there will be no time for you to rehearse so we’ll do a “singback”. Ms Jennifer Lopez was told “Oh you cannot make it? “No worries” send us a video clip!” Then it was all spun around the gorgeous Myleene Klass who did not know what to say or do, so instead she changed outfits 5 times…one for each commercial break, when we saw an advert for Celine Dions new album…No shame…the producer for ITV should get the sack and we should have some people back with balls like Claudia Rozenkrantz, who can put entertainment together. If we were told that we were going to watch a promotional video for artists, who have something to sell, but hey, they are not going to be singing live and some of them are not going to be there, I might have been able to persuade Mrs E to watch “Pimp My Ride” instead on MTV…