Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Woodentop is in opposition...lets hug a tree...


I am looking for a new job…You know a kind of job where there is no responsibility and where you can screw up indiscriminately, being paid a huge salary and go to big functions, get you name in the paper and ignore what everyone is saying about you…


I want to become a politician…not just any politician but a politician who is in opposition of the government, in a majority opposition position and still looked upon as quite an important job, basically I would like to have David “call me Dave” Cameron’s job…what a hoot that would be…

First I would call all of my friends and ensure that we had an agenda, you know an agenda that would go down well with the people who at the moment is confused and angry with the current government, especially since they are changing their leader, taking out the smarmy guy and putting in a Scotsman who no one likes, that would be such an easy job, kicking butt in the press and embarrassing the government on a daily basis…

I would start by changing my logo for the party, after all why would I want all of the middle England voters who read The Mail and The Telegraph? Papers are so yesterday anyway, so we need to get the new generation of voters, it is more of challenge, convert the labour and liberal voters and get them onside…

So I get a tree...yes a tree…that will really help me to change the voters…what is even more baffling is that the party, which once was run by the tough Mrs T, agrees to have a tree?? as their logo…

Then served as on a silver platter, disaster after disaster happens in the Greatest Britain, some man made and some deemed to be Acts of God…

First we have a bunch of angry Muslim Doctors, perhaps angry with the additional tax added to air travel, or the junior doctor situation in the country, who decided to park a car in central London loaded with gas canisters, nails and to my surprise petrol, they paid tax to Gordon for that, which failed to go off, thanks to the bravery of some sharp emergency personnel. Less than 24 hours later, having failed to bring destruction to London, they drove a Jeep loaded with the same deadly concoction into an airport in Scotland with devastating effect. Luckily no-one, bar the driver, died…

Now we would expect Cameron to be on television left right and centre, with his tree of course, to get sound bites…but he was nowhere to be seen, unless you watched the news on a weird cable channel at 5am…the guy was invisible…

Secondly we had a bit of bother with God…there is always a clause in any commercial contract which says…natural disaster or an act of God…

Well God was not pleased in June and July so he decided to disperse one years of rainfall in just two months…I always said that it would be a bad idea when old ladies and Gents are being asked what they would like us to pray for and they always say “no hose-pipe ban because of my roses”. Well no hose-pipe ban this year then, God thought, and opened the skies…so Hull, Sheffield, Gloucestershire got more water than we could cope with…and Gloucestershire’s Severn Trent Water who did not impose a hose-pipe ban last year when it was 37 degrees centigrade for two months suffered…and so did some 13,000 flooded homes…

Cameron could not believe his luck, improper management of utilities, non government investment in flood barriers, an Environment Agency in disarray and with fat salaries and huge bonuses…I could feel the headlines flying so I bought, against Mr Cameron’s wishes, all the newspapers and all I could see was the Scotsman on each front page, walking in his booties in muddy water, even Prince Charles went out in a dinghy on the muddy waters and Cameron you might ask??? Well he was also in mud, but a mud hut in Rwanda, having local Rwandan journalists asking…”should you not be at home now when your country is flooded”…

Well our Mr Cameron have now learnt from the mistakes and said to his storm troopers that the next time he would be ready…but what would the next thing be…

A dream for opposition leaders opened up. A government backed lab dealing in foot and mouth disease vaccine has had a micro biology security laps so they have in fact spread the disease to a farm and the poor farmer has had his herd infected…country folks are crying remembering the slaughter of 2001, EU slaps a ban on export of British Cattle, Mr Brown come home from his 5 hour long Greatest British holiday from Devon…

…and Cameron???

Well I am not sure yet, I caught some news that a farmer who knew him in the past called him and asked him to stop public access to fields…Cameron said he would get right on it…where he was and what he was doing at the time is just a guess…but if you know could you let me know…my bet is that he was meeting with his PR guys and wanted to find out how he can change his tree…in the meantime Brown is laughing hugging that tree logo each night when he goes to bed…

Note:

There is a photo to be had though by a canny photographer…a suburban Surrey housewife having to dip her Gucci’s before proceeding…

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Thursday, July 05, 2007

The Chinese or Mr Brown PM who to blame?


Planks of wood…or timber as it is known in the building industry are now a scarce commodity. I have recently undertaken some major building work at the Barn and have come across a small strangulation of recourses in The Greatest Britain and beyond. Fitting a new kitchen, putting a new ceiling up in the pool house, some small electrical work was stifled by the price of timber and copper…

We have for a long time been aware that everything here is now more expensive that in Europe, Brown is taxing us to the hilt and soon taxes will have taxes…I was trying to source some T&G for the ceiling in the pool house, you see a British favourite plasterboard wont do as the ceiling will absorb the moisture from the pool and before you know if you find yourself stiff in the largest plaster vat you ever seen. So T&G which is either varnished or white waxed will do the trick. My new “friends” the local building merchants did not know what hit them when I started to ask about their prices…How much??? Well coming from a country which exports more timber than pop songs, I naturally went there to source my wood…Even in Sweden the prices has rocketed and asking the suppliers there they explained it to me in one word, China…

The Chinese are building like there is no tomorrow, well we are buying so much from them that most manufacturing is now moved to the People’s Republic that they need so much raw material that prices here are being pushed up…so let me think about this for just a second, we shut down our own manufacturing plants, move it to China because labour is cheaper, the Chinese in return buy up all timber and copper they can lay their hands on so we sufferer shortages, prices go up…where is the sense in that?

Well I managed to get my T&G in Sweden and they provided them with a white wax finish, all the screws and clips including delivery to the Greatest Britain at 24 pence cheaper per meter. When you are buying 1800 meters it’s a big difference also when I found out that I did not need to stand and treat them first…

So ceiling sourced next chock was the copper pipes for the heating system…again some little nifty Chinese has been in there, why I don’t know what do they want copper pipes for, and bough the lot so now when I needed 30 meters of pipe I had to pay a premium…

Well considering that we have so called global warming, wasn’t June a picture of global warming? Where is this so called global warming? The sun shines, it is because of global warming. It rains cats and dogs, it’s because of global warming.

Sorry guys I believe it is the Chinese who are behind it…the have imported all the bloody wood from Scandinavia and Eastern Europe and are building little rowing boats in the rowing boats factory ready to ship out to us…call them what you want, but are not stupid….

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