Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Ban the lot of them!


Anyone over the age of 30, with a driving license, a car and perhaps a wife/girlfriend, mother-in-law and children should read on…if not, don’t worry, make a note of the web address, date and come back and visit when you do have fulfilled the criteria as stated above..

There is a “pressure group” (don’t ask me why it is called a pressure group, I just state what I read…perhaps they apply pressure on someone…) called Break, who has suggested that Sat-nav might be distracting and should be banned. I looked through their website and whilst I did not see the group being endorsed by Jeremy Clarkson or Richard Hammond, from Top Gear, I thought that perhaps they might make sense…well we don’t want people dying on the roads do we??

So what is Break and what do they stand for? Well, they claim that their aim is;

To prevent death and injury on the roads through education of all road users and campaigning for Government improvements to road safety.
To care for people who are bereaved or affected by serious injury in a road crash through support services, including a helpline and literature distributed through police officers.

So why is this important I hear you ask whilst taking a brake from your oily, daily grind…It is important because again someone with very little or no intelligence have stated the bloody obvious and had it printed in the papers…here is what they said…

Sat-nav systems are a dangerous distraction and should be banned! Distracted drivers are responsible for 387 crashes where a person is killed or seriously injured every year according to research carried out by Green Flag, the breakdown service…”They found that 57% of motorists admitted to driving while distracted by something in the car…”

WOW!…hold the press…ban driving, stereos, mother-in-laws, wives with an inability to read a map, and close all motorways cafes, and little tuck shops along the A40…

It makes me wonder how much they paid for that research, and who is sitting at home laughing for having cashed in on the deal?

Number one! Of course a Sat-nav is going be distractive, tiny screen which you cannot see when the sun is out and a female voice tells you to turn right in 50 meters, using Bavarian English, and where there is no road…you will turn, because otherwise she will synchronise herself with her sister Hilda from Munich who is dressed in leather and like to spank men like you…so you will turn even though there is no road….

Stereo…who has not driven from Oxford to London on the A40/M40 to hear your radio changing channels 12 times…you started with Steve Right and by the time you are in Hanger Lane you have the Archers… of course you are going to fiddle with the knob…tune it, back to Wright…

Kids…longer than 3 miles in a car with kids and they start to eat the interior of the car, because YOU wanted to bring a pack of Kipling’s Jungle Book audio cd’s instead of Casino Royal with Daniel Craig played on two 7” screens at the back of your headrest, via the laptop which would have been kitted out with a 3G card so the kids could do their MSN chatting whilst you where telling them to look out of the window to see how lovely the country side is…

The Mother-in-law…the one who insists of telling you about Maureen who just had an operation to stop her from wetting herself, when eating pasta, and insists in telling you all of the details, which will take up 85% of the estimated time of the journey…the only time she was quiet was when she went to the loo, every two miles and insisted in telling you how lovely and clean the toilets where…

The Wife…she who has more power than Obi-Wan Kenobi, but for some reason have no clue how to use the “Force” she will insist that you stop so she can read the map??? If I stop the car I can read the bloody map myself you say…Big mistake, her eyes light up like a light sabre and you know, that even though there is no legal place for you to pull over you will stop and ignore the jam behind you, but take my advise, central lock the doors otherwise the “Rugrats” from the back will be off in the field with Granny before you can say…”Honey let me have a look at that map”…

I am not even going to mention the mobile phone because that is just stupid…a road , on a Sunday morning, hand free call to your mate, who says…take you time to get here, tee off is not for another couple of hours…yes…I can see that that is very distracting…

…and the mother-in-law? Unfortunately she become that one statistic, she was trampled by a herd of cows at a lay-by, near Little Rissington, I did insist that it was not a traffic accident, but the officer in charge did not agree…
so I think from now on Ban the lot of them...I like it with me and Radio 2 in the car, alone, no distraction...

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Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Pink Cadillac in your drive?


Who is allowed to use the word gay nowadays? I know for sure that anyone who is heterosexual is not allowed to use it and if you do…you’ll get your wrist slapped. I watched the latest episode of Top Gear, now here is a Motley Crew which frequently misuses words, and they drove from Miami to New Orleans in some pretty cheap cars ($1,000 each), setting themselves up for ridicule along the way…in other words a normal Top Gear programme. The beauty of Top Gear is that it does exactly “what it says on the tin”…

One part of their journey was driving through Alabama, strong republican, right wing; sort of don’t mess with the hicks’ kind of town. They painted slogans on their cars in order to see the reaction from the locals…slogans included “Hilary Clinton for President”, “Country and Western music sucks” and finally “Man-Love” on a pick up truck, in pink…then at a petrol stop in deepest South they were stoned by the locals…

I sat back and laughed together with the other 6 million viewers telling Mrs E that tomorrow will bring a lot of complaints from the viewers. But how wrong I was…so far I have not seen a single complaints regarding the episode in question but I did find a complaint against the show regarding a different episode…I know that is not very difficult as they receive at least one complaint for every episode, which is broadcast…why don’t people just switch off rather than sitting there and complain about a programme they don’t like?

So here is the complaint I found on the BBC complaints website

Four viewers complained about a remark in which Jeremy Clarkson referred to a particular car was “gay” which they took being derogatory use of a term for homosexual people…The Executive producer of Top Gear has reminded the presenters and the production team of the importance of avoiding derogatory references to sexual orientation….

What?

Why is it that gay people can call other gay people, gay but heterosexual’s can’t use the term? So I decided to go and have a look if cars are promoted to be gay or not and to, the four viewers who complained, it should come a huge surprise that gay businesses, people trading on the pink pound are using the term referring to cars all the time.

The website About Gay have a list presenting the top gayest cars of 2006;

Gay Professional car - BMW 5 series

Best car for Gay new family - Saab 9-5 Wagon

Best Dragwagon - Kia Sorento

Most likely Down Low Cruiser - Chevrolet Impala

Best Twinkmobile - Mini Cooper

Car Talk have a webpage dedicated to The Ultimate Gay and Lesbian Cars, Gay Wheels claim to be a gay friendly automotive source, whatever that is…

So again with new laws being hammered out by this ever protective government, laws should be for everyone including gays, so get off you high Brokeback Mountain Horse and let us all have a share of the pink pound…and do not forget to laugh every now and then…

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Saturday, January 06, 2007

Greatest Britain votes wisely…


Christmas is over, New Year has arrived, the Turkey carcass is now comfortable in the freezer waiting for spring when it will be defrosted and with a piece of ham be converted to Turkey soup.

It is on the matter of Turkeys that I have been drawn lately, not because mine was particularly over-cooked, over-priced or in anyway supported by a overprized supermarket chain… no it is the small matter of “Turkeys” which we have lately seen running things... From the Enron debacle with Ken Lay to the smaller matters such as The United States of America and the Greatest Britain, has been bothering me lately and I am sure it has you too..., correct?
We sort of hate Turkey don’t we? Come Christmas we buy the most ugliest bird, cook it and then scoff down the sucker with way too many roast potatoes and far to many Brussels sprouts, which inevitably will harm your new measured carbon foot print. Who says that flying jets is hurting the environment? Go for the sprouts and you’ll find more damage, not just in bedrooms, but in the ozone layer. I can see a black market trading starting on sprouts…

So back to Turkeys…Why is it that we choose “Turkeys” such as George Walker Bush, Anthony Charles Lynton Blair, Robert Gabriel Mugabe, and Saparmyrat Ataýewiç Nyýazow (former leader of Turkmenistan) to run our countries? We all know that they lie…steal, in for the fame, the status and the girls…but still we want them to work for us… where is the sense in that?

Just look at “Georgie”… “I will protect Americas interest”!!! Right, sure you did mate…you crashed into Iraq with no exit plan some 3,000 dead soldiers, un accounted dead Iraqi civilians, and at a cost of billions, your dollar is weak, market economy is SH1T and still you believe that you know what you are doing.
“Tone”, over in the Greatest Britain of all, promised education, education, education (just in case we didn’t get it the first time) and we ended up with taxes, taxes, taxes (Tone just in case you and Gordon didn’t get it the first time)…immigration which is out of control, plus we have some 30,000 service personnel shooting at people in some 30 countries, with crap armour and their spouses are living in crappy accommodation. This doesn’t worry “Tone” too much as he spends his family holiday in Miami staying at the Bee Gee’s Villa…so no worries there…

Mugabe…well where do we start? He has raped and pillaged (in such a fashion that he is giving the Vikings a bad name) the country for 26 years now and once a prosperous beautiful place it is starving, people are dying and “Bobby” is just getting richer. Saparmyrat…well he checked out some weeks ago…heart attack…God bless, shame that there was no-one to film it and stick it on the web…

You see all of these guys have something in common…they are all liars…self promoting megalomaniacs…looking for the next deal which will make them richer, all in the name of “Honour of Public Office”…ENOUGH!!!

I think that from now on we should only vote for people that say what they think…and make it publicly clear what they want and what they stand for which is why I wish to nominate Jeremy Clarkson for Prime Minster…

Before you click off and get you knickers in a twist hear me out…Jeremy Charles Robert Clarkson, has no political ambition, he does not need the fame, nor the money (his mum invented Paddington Bear for heavens sake, how cool is that…) therefore there will be no conflict of interest. He has a political name, Charles and Robert…sounds great, doesn’t it…just look at Mugabe and Blair they copied his names. Furthermore Rt. H. Jeremy C. R Clarkson is known to say what he thinks, probably constrained a bit under the shroud of BBC’s politically correct patrol, but when let loose he goes for it…

Just look at him when he punched that bloke who was the editor of the Mirror…whatever his name is…(I believe he is doing some cable TV in the US at the moment for Simon Cowell) or that time he was on the last flight of Concord (since I don’t have an alliance to the French I shall not add the E at the end…it is my right) when he chucked champagne all of the same cable TV presenter bloke…hilarious… and he does a nice photo shoot...

You see someone like Jeremy would be great…because we know what he thinks and what he stands for…unless he has been lying to us in all those DVD’s and television motoring shows for years…surely he hasn’t? Has he?...

No of course not…this is the guy we need at the top…no ifs and no buts just get on with it…

We would have a total ban on speed cameras…
No speed limits, apart from outside schools, where parking would be abolished and if you parked to drop of your child you would be jailed…YES!!!
Abolish the congestion charge
Free public transport, thus allowing people with fast cars to drive on the roads…fast
Abolish ASBO’s and get the buggers to do unpaid jobs like litter picking, public toilet cleaning, walking dogs for old ladies when it rains…all wearing PINK jumpsuits…
Invade a rich country with no guns so we could get some loot…sorry that is what the present guys do…

anyway

The list is long and I am sure that you agree it is now time to vote for someone who says the way it is…Therefore Vote Clarkson for Prime Minster and get the Greatest Wheels of Britain moving…we might even get a car manufacturing plant set up…

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