Thursday, July 26, 2007

Mad dogs and Englishmen


Deluge…in mythology, a great flood as an act of retribution to destroy civilisation…or as the Environment Agency says, once every 200 years…which would clearly discount the great flood of 1947…well what would they know anyway?

What I cannot understand is the explanations why it was flooded? Everyone is looking at the adverse weather conditions, climate change as the reasons. The Telegraph is even going as far as claiming that we are stuck with Sweden’s weather…rubbish…if that was the case why is my brother sunning himself and lighting the “Barbie” when I am trying to buy a canoe…

The fact is that whilst flooding occurs when the rivers rise, they burst their banks and water goes onto a floodplain which soaks the water up. Now when the rivers burst their banks the water ends up in Mrs Jones front garden because she so wanted to buy that affordable home with a river view…tarmac and concrete as we know are pretty bad in soaking up water. I have some 500sqm of tarmac at my property which is served by three…yes three tiny drains…so when you get 140mm of rain per sqm in one hour, it is going to be difficult to remove it. I have of course ensured that I have “run off areas”, in to paddocks and fields which solves the problem, for how long I don’t know, if the government follows John “Two Jags” Prescott’s plan I will wake up one morning with 400 Mrs Jones squealing in my back garden because her begonias are swamped…It is not brain surgery it is bloody common sense…

Today after riots settled at Tesco’s car park in Quedgeley, Gloucestershire, The Greatest Britain, during a water distribution session, one local who is 91 and fought in WWII put it home to us “I once went 5 days without water in Burma, and I have seen men go mad from thirst”…well I am sure had health and safety not closed the pubs down, due to inability to flush the loos, the country would have been a bit calmer…perhaps when Gordon Brown’s 15,000 portable toilets arrive we will see a difference…I am sure we will be able to smell it…

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Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Under-educated and under water...


Has weight watchers suddenly become famous in the Gloucestershire area or is there something else behind the disappearing ready meals from my local store?

Well you might have spotted in the news that we have had a bit of bother here in the Cotswolds. The rain came down last Friday in such fashion that we got a bit wet. I was a bit unlucky as I was out driving on Friday and the A40 from Oxford to Cheltenham was more than a bit wet. What made me so angry was the people who had gone out and bought a Range Rover/Land Rover and was toddling around frightened to get the wheels wet. A person in one of those 4 wheel drive, who never seen the adverts what a car like that can do, stopped in front of me and turned around. I looked at the road ahead and whilst it was a “tad wet” it was no more that my Pug could handle so I drove on…when I arrived home, I had to find my Wellingtons in the garage and wade through the flooded back of the Barn. No worries there, it was all fine. You see when you have to rely on your own actions then it is fine, it is when you have to take other services into account things start to go wrong.

Saturday until Monday was in complete darkness, the power station was flooded so no electricity. We had news delivered via our little wind up radio and friends in London kindly updated us via text messages. Monday midnight the electricity made a comeback only to be replaced with no water. I went to the shops to find some newspapers and I have never seen anything like it. The Greatest Britain, who always say “stiff upper lip” and that, has turned into a nation of yobs and slobs. The police are now patrolling the supermarket, to stop fighting and at the water distribution centres, mine is the local garden centre in the village, people a queuing like water is never coming back again…

I liked the old dear in the queue who said, “well this is just like the war you know” and I thought, how sweet, until she pushed ahead of me in the queue to get some water…bloody old bat…

The shelves in the supermarkets are empty, “Lard Arse” has been down there and bought all the pies, including all of the weight watchers bloody ready meals, well he’ll be sorry when he heats his meal…it is never to late to learn how to read…

So people are complaining about not being able to flush their toilets, but I shall sit as a king on my throne, safely in the knowledge that flushing the loo is never going to be a problem, some of us have a swimming pool…I just hope Lard Arse clogs his u-bend with his weight watchers meal…

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