Monday, November 26, 2007

Major problem...they fought back...


I am moving so it is OK for me to say what I intend to say. Having just watched a programme about Tony Blair, on the TGBBC (The Greatest British Broadcasting Corporation) about his time being the Prime Minster of The Greatest British Government, one particular question was asked by the interviewer.

Interviewer: Mr Blair….Is it fair to say that you did not have an exit strategy when you decided to engage in war against Saddam Hussein and Iraq?

Mr. Blair (former Prime Minster of The Greatest Britain): That is not fair to say…we did have a strategy, including an exit strategy but we did not count on that the Iraqis, would fight back….

My shortest entry yet, but something which does not need an explanation….

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Friday, November 09, 2007

Give me some bloody strength…


Welcome post number 100 and thank you for still reading...

Many things have irritated me lately and I am not a violent man but right know I want to use my right to kill…and trust me…knowledge is not an issue, many squirrels, birds and foxes have met their untimely death in my hands…however today I am looking at a bigger prey namely the “Eurocrats”.

Before you switch over and go off on a rant and rave telling me that this is old hat, and we all have a grudge against the “Eurocrats”, I might just be able to enlighten you that you are wrong…I am Swedish man, boy to some, and I know the difference between Fahrenheit and Celsius. I also know how to buy bananas by the pound or by the kilo. I understand when weatherman says it is going to be 100 degrees and by God do I know that I will not fry to death as he is talking in Fahrenheit…The Greatest Britain has been shouting for years how to keep their pound and ounces system and I felt fine, go ahead, I am Swedish so I can work it out.
Ask a Greatest British Man about buying half a kilo of potatoes and he is baffled…there must be a mental block in their heads allowing them to convert the weight. Nor do they have a clue about speed…is it 70 or 110? “Well it is anyone’s guess they say”, and go for it until they either drive off the road…on the wrong side…or get stopped by the plod (The Greatest British Traffic Police).

Well now for the first time in many years I start to feel and sympathize with the “GBM” (Greatest British Man) because I have heard that they are going to get rid of the Kilogram…Can you believe it? This is how it is going to work…

Standard experts from 100 nations…how could you even find “Experts” from 100 nations which deal with standardisation? They are going to discuss the issue in Paris, which is like a political wart on the European Political Map…the most excellent place to place it as they are either going to wave the white flag, in surrender, or decide that we are all gay and we cannot talk about it.

Enter dipstick number Uno, a Swede by the name of Anders Thor from the Swedish Standards Institute…”The Kilogram has to change name as it is not systematic to keep it…what an idiot…not systematic for whom?

On Monday the 12th November they are going to decide if four of the seven units used, are going to be changed, the four up for discussion are;

Kilogram: A measure of weight…for my Greatest British friends a Kilogram of potatoes is 2.2lb
Mol: The total length of a lamp, from top of bulb to bottom of base, typically expressed in volt-amperes (VA) see below.
Ampere: The unit of measure of the rate of flow of electric current.
Kelvin: The temperature measurement scale used in the scientific community. Note…Zero K represents absolute zero, and corresponds to minus 459 degrees Fahrenheit or minus 273 Celsius.

Right looking at the above and your day…especially when you go to the supermarket buying items like “King Edwards” and say…Gosh is that price in Kg or Lb? Or don’t you remember ALL the confusion buying new light bulbs and the old lady next to you says…I can never remember how many mols I need? Or the vanilla ice-cream packet that says clearly “do not freeze lower than minus 789 degrees”…

Well all I know is that if there is someone spending money on this rubbish then there is to much money flowing around in the EU corridors…are people creating jobs for themselves here? Sorry stupid question!

The above systems have been in place since the 1700’s and not one person has died because the mol on their light bulb was not right…
“Mr Uberstuhbahn Fuhrer” Anders Thor says that many students at universities are “irritated” that we still use them!! Well Mr. Thor use you bloody sledge hammer and knock them back into reality…tell them quite simply…Who cares?

So when you wake up with a Brussels hangover, your mol and Kelvin will be gone and replaced with Gio and Bes, Gio comes from a Giovanni Giorgi...remember him? I think he sang with Pavarotti during the Five Tenors concert?

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Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Woodentop is in opposition...lets hug a tree...


I am looking for a new job…You know a kind of job where there is no responsibility and where you can screw up indiscriminately, being paid a huge salary and go to big functions, get you name in the paper and ignore what everyone is saying about you…


I want to become a politician…not just any politician but a politician who is in opposition of the government, in a majority opposition position and still looked upon as quite an important job, basically I would like to have David “call me Dave” Cameron’s job…what a hoot that would be…

First I would call all of my friends and ensure that we had an agenda, you know an agenda that would go down well with the people who at the moment is confused and angry with the current government, especially since they are changing their leader, taking out the smarmy guy and putting in a Scotsman who no one likes, that would be such an easy job, kicking butt in the press and embarrassing the government on a daily basis…

I would start by changing my logo for the party, after all why would I want all of the middle England voters who read The Mail and The Telegraph? Papers are so yesterday anyway, so we need to get the new generation of voters, it is more of challenge, convert the labour and liberal voters and get them onside…

So I get a tree...yes a tree…that will really help me to change the voters…what is even more baffling is that the party, which once was run by the tough Mrs T, agrees to have a tree?? as their logo…

Then served as on a silver platter, disaster after disaster happens in the Greatest Britain, some man made and some deemed to be Acts of God…

First we have a bunch of angry Muslim Doctors, perhaps angry with the additional tax added to air travel, or the junior doctor situation in the country, who decided to park a car in central London loaded with gas canisters, nails and to my surprise petrol, they paid tax to Gordon for that, which failed to go off, thanks to the bravery of some sharp emergency personnel. Less than 24 hours later, having failed to bring destruction to London, they drove a Jeep loaded with the same deadly concoction into an airport in Scotland with devastating effect. Luckily no-one, bar the driver, died…

Now we would expect Cameron to be on television left right and centre, with his tree of course, to get sound bites…but he was nowhere to be seen, unless you watched the news on a weird cable channel at 5am…the guy was invisible…

Secondly we had a bit of bother with God…there is always a clause in any commercial contract which says…natural disaster or an act of God…

Well God was not pleased in June and July so he decided to disperse one years of rainfall in just two months…I always said that it would be a bad idea when old ladies and Gents are being asked what they would like us to pray for and they always say “no hose-pipe ban because of my roses”. Well no hose-pipe ban this year then, God thought, and opened the skies…so Hull, Sheffield, Gloucestershire got more water than we could cope with…and Gloucestershire’s Severn Trent Water who did not impose a hose-pipe ban last year when it was 37 degrees centigrade for two months suffered…and so did some 13,000 flooded homes…

Cameron could not believe his luck, improper management of utilities, non government investment in flood barriers, an Environment Agency in disarray and with fat salaries and huge bonuses…I could feel the headlines flying so I bought, against Mr Cameron’s wishes, all the newspapers and all I could see was the Scotsman on each front page, walking in his booties in muddy water, even Prince Charles went out in a dinghy on the muddy waters and Cameron you might ask??? Well he was also in mud, but a mud hut in Rwanda, having local Rwandan journalists asking…”should you not be at home now when your country is flooded”…

Well our Mr Cameron have now learnt from the mistakes and said to his storm troopers that the next time he would be ready…but what would the next thing be…

A dream for opposition leaders opened up. A government backed lab dealing in foot and mouth disease vaccine has had a micro biology security laps so they have in fact spread the disease to a farm and the poor farmer has had his herd infected…country folks are crying remembering the slaughter of 2001, EU slaps a ban on export of British Cattle, Mr Brown come home from his 5 hour long Greatest British holiday from Devon…

…and Cameron???

Well I am not sure yet, I caught some news that a farmer who knew him in the past called him and asked him to stop public access to fields…Cameron said he would get right on it…where he was and what he was doing at the time is just a guess…but if you know could you let me know…my bet is that he was meeting with his PR guys and wanted to find out how he can change his tree…in the meantime Brown is laughing hugging that tree logo each night when he goes to bed…

Note:

There is a photo to be had though by a canny photographer…a suburban Surrey housewife having to dip her Gucci’s before proceeding…

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