Sunday, November 04, 2007

Mrs E's chest...an affair for smooth roads?


Right I have to tell you about your money...or in this case where your money go! I can tell you now...if you live in Wales it goes on smooth asphalt and In England they charge you twice as much and you get the lumpy bits...
Last week we sold Mrs E’s hand built Pug 306 convertible leaving us only with Esther…our Renault 5, 1986, 1.4L Automatic, with a sunroof.

What you notice when you drive an old bird like Esther is the state of the roads and I must say I am surprised at the state of the road in the Greatest Britain. Two days ago we took the old lady for spin, 400 miles (650km) leaving our comfy garage, where she had an oil change, some Autoglym, a bit of antifreeze and a bit of TLC. We set off to view the village of Portmeirion, famous for its architecture and of course for being the exterior location to The Prisoner television series starring Patrick McGoohan.

To get there we had to cross a few counties in the Greatest England to get to the Greatest Wales and it was when we crossed the border into Wales entering Powys, we started to notice the difference…Mrs E doesn’t like Esther to much cause it makes her boobies jump about a bit, and she says that in her age wearing a sports bra is only stupid…me I have no problem I just have a problem with staring at the road instead of averting my eyes over to Mrs E’s chest bobbing about like two buoy’s in the sea…however in Wales it all stopped…no bobbing or distraction, the road surface was smooth like a baby’s bottom...just an expression…

We drove for hours through Snowdonia National Park and mile after mile the surface was awesome…I never believed I would say this, but not since I drove from Stockholm back to Helsingborg in Sweden or that time before I was married, a girl called Camilla have I ever seen something so smooth…it was like driving on silk, the rubber, cheap ones from Kwik Fit, did not even make a noise anymore. We were not alone there were trucks, the size of lorries driving on the road, locals in very fast 4x4’s wanting to get to their local and not wanting to be the obvious nerd in a classic car I stepped on it…so all Esther’s horse powers had to do their duty…but no bump, no bobbing of Mrs E’s chest just bliss…

We continued in silence, mostly because the BBC has not built out their radio network in Snowdonia National Park, so not by choice, did we have to wait to hear what Jeremy Vine had to say…we caught up with him between moments of classical FM, how come they always get a signal…and spouts of Welsh Radio, which sound like a bunch of Swedes on a midsummer eve’s drunken night out…so smooth….no noise…WHY???

I feel that we have been cheated in the Greatest England…we pay the same road tax…drive the same cars, pay the same for the fuel and they…the Welsh, have smooth roads…not a pot hole every two yards, leaking water pipe, or yellow signs and cones which say “Work will start here in 2008 and will last for 11 years!” Why is that?

Is it because they actually spend their money on the roads. We know that they like a drink in Wales, and a song, which explains the silence of the radio network and it would also explain why there is not a road which is straight, but I don’t care about that. What I care about is smoothness…the ability to take my 1986 Renault 5 and drive it until it hits 60Mph (100km) and feel the road, not sit in the car with two “Nodding Dogs”…

Driving back from Wales exiting again at Powys, we entered England and I tell you not…within 5 minutes of driving we were jumping about in the car like to “doggers at a lay bay“ in Bristol, worried we might get arrested and thrown into jail…and all because they sell lumpy asphalt in England and Mrs E’s chest is distracting my driving…

What is that all about!

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