Wednesday, December 20, 2006

The Aliens have arrived


I have mentioned before about communication, not the kind of communication which entails opening you mouth and speak to the person who stands in front of you…I am talking about long distance communications, where the old pen and paper and telephone used to be the tools of the trade. These two tools did not come with an instruction manual; well I am sure the latter did. You had to pick the earpiece up, await someone to answer then you piped up, Kensington 1357 please, and by the wonders of technology you were put through, to your brother, uncle or whoever you needed to speak to.

These two wonders, letters and telephone, did however require that user did have some knowledge of the written and the spoken word. That was it, no other details to it. It opened up a completely new world out there allowing long distance communication between parties, lovers, parents and children, even business got it on the act. It was marvellous, but in one way very restrictive. You could send a letter to a client abroad but in those days the reliability of the postal services, whilst better than today, were a bit slow. Also you had to take into account that the person at the other end was able to speak your language…

Now with the wonders of the internet, GSM and 3G the two technologies has merged thus allowing people to communicate across borders without or limited cost, there is however a small drawback, you will need to have the device on which you are going to communicate and the instruction manual is a bit larger than the one provided with letter writing and telephony.

As I am writing I am sitting at Paddington Station in London, having just spent 15 minutes chatting to my niece in Southern Sweden via MSN. It is fantastic and extremely easy to catch up on the news and now at Christmas time when you cannot be with your family as you have set up base in two different countries.

However the other thing you SHOULD require but don’t anymore is the ability to speak a language…this is no longer required it is now null and void…

No wonder that the kids of today have problems…they have only learnt the consonants and not the bloody vowels plus they have replaced every second word with “innit”.

Little men and women, well I am 6’6”, walk around me with a McDonalds in one hand, a bottle of Diamond White the other, making noises such as “innit” “whoa” “right” (noticed that no-one ever says left) “well fit” and my absolute favourite “whateva”…I am seriously concerned that Tom Cruise and his scientology friends might be right…we are all part of an alien plot and by God if you ask me…the buggers have arrived…

There are some advantages with the inability to speak English, which my telephone company has noticed, because this incredibly fast moving breed of aliens are not able to communicate via speech, the phone company have cut my call charges, in order to get me, who can speak, to use their services more. However Royal Mail has gone the other way…because these aliens do not know how to write letters, they have increased the price? How does that work? I am being punished by Royal Mail because I like to send letters, postcards and the odd Christmas card, call me a traditionalist but a card in the post is better than a singing and dancing Rudolf created in flash displayed on my HP, and the tune is always appalling.

So just because I am not trading my smelly used trainers, out of size jeans and collection of action man dolls on Ebay, like these aliens, the post office pushed the price up for me…bastards…Why not charge these trading mongrels more for the second hand crap they are sending and let me have cheaper postage when I send a letter to my Auntie M in Sweden. No that would not work because the mongrels cannot decipher a pricelist, so let’s hit the ones that can…

Their breeding ground must be completely unknown, as it has not been sprayed or overrun by pit bulls yet, but the good thing is that they are into inbreeding as I have never seen or heard anyone in a business suit or by what you and I would call a person of social standing utter the words “innit”. More importantly they are easy to spot by the use of their clothing which predominantly are shell suits. The women have their hair scraped up in a pony tail, greasy unwashed and they always move in groups of two or more…

I am not really a NIMBY but I am worried that with the expansion of “affordable housing” is going to populate the countryside with these creatures and they are going to suck all the nourishment out of the ground which means that our local farmer will not have enough grass for his cattle and I will have to buy meat which have travelled…perish the thought…there goes my carbon footprint target…

Well we could go on but I feel strongly that the cause is lost, the art of writing, languages and communication is lost 4eva, & it wnt b cmg bk…”Wots tht all bout”

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