Monday, November 26, 2007

Major problem...they fought back...


I am moving so it is OK for me to say what I intend to say. Having just watched a programme about Tony Blair, on the TGBBC (The Greatest British Broadcasting Corporation) about his time being the Prime Minster of The Greatest British Government, one particular question was asked by the interviewer.

Interviewer: Mr Blair….Is it fair to say that you did not have an exit strategy when you decided to engage in war against Saddam Hussein and Iraq?

Mr. Blair (former Prime Minster of The Greatest Britain): That is not fair to say…we did have a strategy, including an exit strategy but we did not count on that the Iraqis, would fight back….

My shortest entry yet, but something which does not need an explanation….

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Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Is The Greatest Britain cheating?


Ever since arriving in the Greatest Britain I have been harping on about some old scores. They are great to mention over a pint or two when discussing sport with an Englishman. You see the Greatest Britons like to mention various results such as the Greatest Win in 1966. That Sweden were second in ’58 and third in ’94 doesn’t count, but as the qualifying results for Euro 2008 are coming to an end, England has to dispose of Russia on the newly laid Tiger Turf in Moscow and Sweden has a stroll to clear off Northern Ireland and the Swedes will again be there ready to take on England, a team, to which they have not LOST since 1968. This little fact is niggling away at most supporters, I have heard rumours that some will not even ride in a Volvo or sit in sofa bought at IKEA.

The other Swedish record sitting nicely in Britain is the fabulous five in row wins at Wimbledon by Bjorn Borg. Bjorn was there this year to witness his record being equalled by Roger Federer, so whilst it still stands the likelihood is that it will go next year, so we will need another record we can shot about and I have found it…

The Eurovision Song Contest…

You see the Swedes take this quite seriously. Try to go out on the evening of the song contest and you will have to learn to dance the slow fox by yourself as the Swedes are at home glued to the television. This is a phenomenon which has not spread to the Greatest Britain, yet…Just so that my Swedish readers understand the Brits have to drag some poor bastard out from a lunatic asylum, dress them in funny clothes looking like airline stewardesses and then get them to sing the silly song in front of four television viewers and two television presenters, who later between themselves will choose which one of the silly tunes they are going to the contest. The result is of course a song which is pretty bad, outfits that are hilarious and eventually they get no points and no viewers. So why do they do it? Well you see the Greatest Britain automatically qualifies for the competition as they are one of the largest financial contributors to the European Broadcasting Union, EBU, so they can’t even get out of it if the wanted to.

In Sweden on the other hand it purely a matter of life and death. All other news is pushed off the front pages, radio stations do not report on anything else and television time is allocated to the selection process, the Swedish competition and even backstage the programmes. You will read stories such as, “The viewers did not rate the dress the presenter was wearing”…get it wrong and it can ruin your career.

Today on the 16th of October, 2007 (7 months before the Eurovision song Contest 2008) Sweden had a press conference announcing the Swedish competitions 28 participants which will be battling out for a place to go to the Eurovision song contest in Belgrade on the 24th of May, 2008???

There will be 6 competitions held in Sweden all over the country, called the Swedish Song Contest. These will be held in large arenas where you will have up to a 50,000 strong live audience, millions watching on television. This year there was 3434 entries which the panel of judges had to go through in order to narrow it down to a “manageable” 28 entries (and the arguments have already started)…you can start buying tickets for the competition from Thursday, ticket prices range from £15.00 - £22.00 for a rehearsal?? The actual show will set you back £26.00 - £35.00…then if your favourite wins…you’ll have to fight it out with the Serbians who is staging this year’s competition in the Belgrade Arena, a venue which seats 20,000 people.

Well you see the Swedes are organised, taking a professional approach so how are we doing in the scores? Sweden has managed four wins; ’74 ABBA, ’84 Herreys, ’91 Carola and then ’99 Charlotte Nilsson. The Greatest Britain; ’67 Sandie Shaw, ’69 Lulu, ’76 Brotherhood of Man and ’97 Katrina and the Waves…so the score is a draw…

This year though I am sure that the Greatest Britain will have the upper hand. It has not gone for the 28 entries to choose from and 7 months to prepare, no because it would be totally impossible to find 28 lunatics to sing the songs, they are more sneaky than that…they didn’t have an Empire for nothing you know…No this year The Greatest Britain has imported half a million Polish people and an unknown number of Romanians to even out the old eastern block voting…I shall be writing to the Eurovision secretary to see if it is allowed according to the rules…

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Friday, September 07, 2007

Hunting season extended...


I think it is now time to make my feelings known, unless there was any doubt before...that is...

I believe that the Greatest Britain is going down the tubes…

Yes it is not a happy time for me to say this as I, an ethnic minority, you see I am Swedish and foreign and I live in a country where people do not think and do things as us Swedes… that makes me an ethnic minority…plus the fact that there is only some 30 odd thousand Swedes in the UK, give and take a few thousand.

Switching on the news today was depressing; a celebration of the great Pavarotti’s life was first on the agenda and then the funeral of an eleven year old kid…

Both of them had a passion for life and were talented in their own way, Luciano was blessed with a voice that many would try to mimic…then the poor kid from Liverpool had had only one issue…he was born in the Greatest Britain . His life was cut short due to a “turf war” between gangs in Liverpool…who has heard something so stupid in there entire life?…turf war in Liverpool…I have to be careful what I say here because last time some said something bad about Liverpool he was asked to go and apologise to the citizens…I am sorry you can’t haul me up there, I am an ethnic minority and I will not go an apologise for anything as I don’t care anymore…

I have had enough…Put yourself in this situation…a mother or a father, remember this is the Greatest Britain so the likelihood is one or the other, sit at home, hear the BMX bike squeal to a halt. Snotty kid comes in, sweaty…first sign there, child arrives home sweaty and considering that this child has not done any exercise in 10 years would be a great sign that something is wrong...

Second sign… the child smells of gun powder…you don’t need to be an expert in gunpowder plots to work out what it smells like, all you need to do is to wait for the 5th of November work out what every kid in the Greatest Britain smells like and there you are…

Third sign…the kid has a shower or a bath and it turns out that it is not Christmas.

Fourth sign…your kid brings the clothes down to the washing machine and says “mum do I wash my hoodie on 40 or 60 degrees

5th sign…your kid asks in the middle of your favourite soap if you can switch over to Sky News…that is when you, as a parent, pick the phone up and say…”my kid is showing some unusual behaviour” as you should start to think like this...did my son just have a work out on his BMX, stopped to buy some rockets for Guy Fawkes, eventhough it is only September, decided he smells and needed a shower and develped some sort of strange interest in washing his clothes and picking up on the news…if not CALL THE POLICE...if you are lucky you’ll get a proper police officer, hopefully older than your child, to come around the house and arrest the little bugger…

You can now make £100,000 from selling your story to a “red top”, get a headline, and at least 60 free ciders down the local boozer…piece of cake…

As long of course you don’t light that Lambeth down the pub…cause it is against the law…

Times like this we expect the public to go nuts…calling for a culling and a hunting season on delinquent youths…imagine if you had free range to shoot the little buggers after 8pm…get a licence at the library from Mrs Woods and go hunting…what a great setup…

Schools would love it…less disruptive kids in class…no need to pick up the litter from the packed lunches…the results would go up, funding would increase per kid and no slutty overweight mum hanging around the school after close shouting “Paris”, Chantelle” “Brooklyn” come here now…

McDonalds would loose out though…no birthday parties with goody bags and poor Argos would have to lay people off…

Well…as I said I have had enough, I am packing up and moving out…where, how and when is just another story…perhaps I will become a teacher in Mr Woodentops Tory government and teach children how to become patriotic…that is of course if they’ll turn up?…
Mr Sniper might have got them outside the fish shop at 9pm…

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