What's That All About...

The city with roads to nowhere...

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 19:53:00 +0000

Today was a happy and at the same time a pretty bad day. Today our daughter Miss E was arriving from The Greatest Britain to see the house and of course freeload from us for three weeks. We had telephone communication and online communication setup to ensure that the little darling managed to get to the train station and airport on time, also we needed to ensure that she went to the right airport…you see she is only 22 years old and whilst I have not been a “curling parent” (someone who sweeps ahead and ensure that all is smooth for your little offspring…) I am aware that this was the first trip involving trains planes and automobiles without the guidance from Mr or Mrs E.

Miss E arrived safely at Copenhagen airport in Denmark, a short one and half hour drive from here. Once we picked her up I decided that instead of using the motorway I should take this opportunity and drive back to Elsinore, home of the Castle set in Hamlet Prince of Denmark written by the Greatest British author Mr Shakespeare, using the beach road…

Noted at this point that it was some 20 years since I went to Copenhagen driving and after Miss E had seen the statue of Hans Christian Andersen and driven down HC Andersen Boulevard 10 times looking into Tivoli Gardens she quietly told me “Dad…can we go home now?” The only problem was that the Danes have either had “Chinese metal thieves” around or someone had overnight removed all form of road signage from the Capital, of those beer brewing gents who took over Newcastle Breweries, so I was lost…truly lost…and then Mrs E came up with the brilliant idea of asking me to pull over and ask a bloke in the Shell Garage??? How stupid is that???

We drove around for another 45 minutes and then we found a sign which the Chinese had not spotted who directed us back out to the motorway thus allowing us to move in rapid speed back to Sweden…

This is the last time I complain at the road signs ever again in the Greatest Britain…

Photo Copyright Ruud Moret

To wait you need a ticket…

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 21:53:00 +0000

Firstly, Happy New Year to all of you, and I hope that 2008 has been exciting with not too many irritations. I am sorry about the delay in posting my next post but so many things have irritated me that had to calm down and get everything into perspective. I have finally made the move from The Greatest Britain to The Kingdom of Sweden…or should that be the Kingdom of go slow to nowhere?

Sweden is a very odd place to be in, especially when you are Swedish and speak the languages as a native. People expect that you should behave and do things like other Swedes, you see there is no language barrier or physical signs that says that I am a foreigner…but let me tell you when you have been away for over 22 years there are so many changes which you have to take onboard, I feel like a foreigner…The Swedes are supposed to be a clever and hardworking people, who invent things and make bad things better, reliable and sometime not just flat packed.

Well let me tell you that everything is not as it seems. When I lived here here last, the government controlled all the off licenses known here as Systembolaget. They ran it a bit like Argos, you could not browse the store you had to take a number and wait your turn. You then proceeded to a till where you kindly advised the cashier what it was you wanted, selecting it from a small catalogue. The cashier collected the items you paid and left. What was the reason for this system? Well one idea was that Swedes should not be tempted by the variety of bottles, browsing could lead to alcoholism and God forbid theft… Now 20 years later the Systembolaget has, as I found out at my last visit there, become adult. It allows the customers browse the store pick up their selection themselves and then pay for it at the check out…pretty normal for anyone who lives in Europe and beyond.
I believed that this would be the last time I saw the ticket machine queuing system, you see Systembolaget also believed that Swedes were unable to form an orderly queue without a fight…

So what do I now find when I enter “normal” stores, if not a bloody ticket machine…everywhere…you cannot move or do anything unless you have a bloody number!!

In every store there are Swedes standing around waiting…waiting for their turn to pay for their medicine, their clothes even bloody H&M have a ticket machine….thousands of Swedes are standing around like sheep in a pen waiting for their number to be called…what a bloody joke. Imagine at Primark back in The Greatest Britain you pick you clothes up and then walk up to a till and say, “could I pay for these?” and the bloody stupid person behind the till says “Do you have a ticket?” “There is no-one else around so let me pay for these and then I’ll be off.” “No sir you must have a ticket.” When you then have located a ticket machine you find out that a busload of happy shoppers has entered the shop and they have all taken a ticket, and the stupid “bingo-like sign” says “We are now serving number 78” and your ticket says 106…which means at least 30 minutes wait…idiots…
This is why the Swedes are so good at inventing things they have hours of just standing around thinking about making things better…apart from a better queuing system…

Swedes are the least service minded people on earth; they even tell me that the service in The Greatest Britain is good for heavens sake…

Well I am not going to go by the flow so I have now banned Mrs E from shopping in any stores which use the ticketing system so that means that we now have two stores we ca go to…the local newsagent and the guy who sold us the Christmas tree…doesn’t look too rosy…

Monopoly without means…

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 00:17:00 +0000

Selling a house is not an easy task. Anyone who has been involved in selling their property knows that it is emotionally draining on you. There are so many things to get right in order to achieve the best price and a speedy sale. We recently sold a property in The Greatest Britain, in Gloucestershire to be precise. We believe that we are level headed people who have years of business dealings both domestically and internationally, so the basics were there before we started. Like with most property sales we decided to use the services of an estate agent and called around four of them to give us a valuation and tell us what they thought of the property and its ability to sell. Since our property was a rather large one, we invited specialised estate agents in the local area of Cheltenham to give us their low-down. Three of them had one thing in common, they had all been taken in by a fantasist who bids on properties he cannot afford, the fourth one, the one we choose, had been spared…until now…

After a very busy three weeks of marketing the property a Mr Stephen Chesney, of 104 Welch Road in Cheltenham, came around with his wife Christine to view. He was very enthusiastic, explained that he was a cash buyer, as he had sold his property and could move very quickly. Mr Stephen Chesney went on to explain that he worked in international finance, a former employee of Grant Thornton Chartered Accountants, and he was very keen to proceed. He explained to us and to our estate agent in great detail, how he was going to extend the swimming pool and how his wife enjoyed the large landscaped 3 acre formal garden. At the next viewing they brought their adult daughter along, and then after a third viewing he was ready to strike.

After seeing other people doing second viewings he made an offer, which was rejected. He then made an offer very near the asking price but insisted that we take the property off the market and we accepted and agreed.

Mr Chesney and his wife went to a solicitor known to our estate agent, presented and formally identified themselves, arranged for a surveyor to do a survey and then signed the contract. This is when his story started to fall apart. It turned out that the money he was bringing in from the British Virgin Islands, via his “agent” Pendragon in London, was delayed. He apologised and explained that whilst he had been putting money into BVI he had never brought money back into the UK. We now know why…he didn’t have any…!!!

However, he went on to explain that his money was on a 14 working day call back, which meant that he could not pay the deposit as ALL of his money was coming in at the same time, so no exchange of contracts could be done. When he was asked if he could find a nominal sum for the exchange he also failed to do this. We smelled a rat and decided to remarket the property even though Mr Chesney (of 104 Welch Road, in Cheltenham) insisted he would have the money on the 7th of November. The 7th of November came and went and Mr Chesney explained that there was a problem with his agent Pendragon (if I worked for Pendragon I would get in contact with him and sue him for defomation, contact details below) as they had made a screw up…another week went by and still no money so we decided to make some calls…

We started by calling the estate agents who we had invited around to value the house, three of them had dealt with him in the past two years. He made offers on properties in the range of £800,000 - £1,250,000, then when it came to the crunch, he could not come up with the money, wasting a lot of time for people who were trying to sell their homes.

This fantasist has in the last two years put in offers on at least 8 known properties in the Gloucestershire and Worcestershire area all with the same story… money is abroad, Pendragon is not doing their job and so forth. In addition to this, at least two surveyors have been conned by him as he writes “rubber cheques”, he even wrote out a cheque to a solicitors firm for £174.00 which bounced.

So all in all we lost two months of valuable time selling our property. Mr Chesney, we found out, lives in an ex-council house at 104 Welch Road on a sprawling estate in Cheltenham, a pretty grotty place to live by all accounts when you claim to have millions in an offshore account. His wife is either as deranged as him or she is being fooled, together with the rest of his family. What wife would agree to buy 8 properties only to be told that it has fallen through again!!!

I am writing this as I have reported him to the police for gaining entry to our home under false pretences, and in the hope that he gets known enough so he cannot do it again to someone else…he has no funds to buy the properties he puts offers in for, and the expression “Walter Mitty” comes to mind...

If you wish to check his story out he can be contacted at the following;

Stephen Chesney
Telephone +44 1452 574 001
Mobile +44 7905 734 077
Email stephenchesney@aol.com

It should be noted that this clown will always outbid any other offer with his monopoly money…

Finally we found another buyer, however when their surveyor arrived it transpired that he to had been paid a "rubber cheque" when Stephen Chesney hired him for another property earlier this year. Luckily we sold to someone who had real money so all is well…Stephen Chesney though is not…

Picture © Woodsy

Major problem...they fought back...

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 23:34:00 +0000

I am moving so it is OK for me to say what I intend to say. Having just watched a programme about Tony Blair, on the TGBBC (The Greatest British Broadcasting Corporation) about his time being the Prime Minster of The Greatest British Government, one particular question was asked by the interviewer.

Interviewer: Mr Blair….Is it fair to say that you did not have an exit strategy when you decided to engage in war against Saddam Hussein and Iraq?

Mr. Blair (former Prime Minster of The Greatest Britain): That is not fair to say…we did have a strategy, including an exit strategy but we did not count on that the Iraqis, would fight back….

My shortest entry yet, but something which does not need an explanation….

Give me some bloody strength…

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 00:19:00 +0000

Welcome post number 100 and thank you for still reading...

Many things have irritated me lately and I am not a violent man but right know I want to use my right to kill…and trust me…knowledge is not an issue, many squirrels, birds and foxes have met their untimely death in my hands…however today I am looking at a bigger prey namely the “Eurocrats”.

Before you switch over and go off on a rant and rave telling me that this is old hat, and we all have a grudge against the “Eurocrats”, I might just be able to enlighten you that you are wrong…I am Swedish man, boy to some, and I know the difference between Fahrenheit and Celsius. I also know how to buy bananas by the pound or by the kilo. I understand when weatherman says it is going to be 100 degrees and by God do I know that I will not fry to death as he is talking in Fahrenheit…The Greatest Britain has been shouting for years how to keep their pound and ounces system and I felt fine, go ahead, I am Swedish so I can work it out.
Ask a Greatest British Man about buying half a kilo of potatoes and he is baffled…there must be a mental block in their heads allowing them to convert the weight. Nor do they have a clue about speed…is it 70 or 110? “Well it is anyone’s guess they say”, and go for it until they either drive off the road…on the wrong side…or get stopped by the plod (The Greatest British Traffic Police).

Well now for the first time in many years I start to feel and sympathize with the “GBM” (Greatest British Man) because I have heard that they are going to get rid of the Kilogram…Can you believe it? This is how it is going to work…

Standard experts from 100 nations…how could you even find “Experts” from 100 nations which deal with standardisation? They are going to discuss the issue in Paris, which is like a political wart on the European Political Map…the most excellent place to place it as they are either going to wave the white flag, in surrender, or decide that we are all gay and we cannot talk about it.

Enter dipstick number Uno, a Swede by the name of Anders Thor from the Swedish Standards Institute…”The Kilogram has to change name as it is not systematic to keep it…what an idiot…not systematic for whom?

On Monday the 12th November they are going to decide if four of the seven units used, are going to be changed, the four up for discussion are;

Kilogram: A measure of weight…for my Greatest British friends a Kilogram of potatoes is 2.2lb
Mol: The total length of a lamp, from top of bulb to bottom of base, typically expressed in volt-amperes (VA) see below.
Ampere: The unit of measure of the rate of flow of electric current.
Kelvin: The temperature measurement scale used in the scientific community. Note…Zero K represents absolute zero, and corresponds to minus 459 degrees Fahrenheit or minus 273 Celsius.

Right looking at the above and your day…especially when you go to the supermarket buying items like “King Edwards” and say…Gosh is that price in Kg or Lb? Or don’t you remember ALL the confusion buying new light bulbs and the old lady next to you says…I can never remember how many mols I need? Or the vanilla ice-cream packet that says clearly “do not freeze lower than minus 789 degrees”…

Well all I know is that if there is someone spending money on this rubbish then there is to much money flowing around in the EU corridors…are people creating jobs for themselves here? Sorry stupid question!

The above systems have been in place since the 1700’s and not one person has died because the mol on their light bulb was not right…
“Mr Uberstuhbahn Fuhrer” Anders Thor says that many students at universities are “irritated” that we still use them!! Well Mr. Thor use you bloody sledge hammer and knock them back into reality…tell them quite simply…Who cares?

So when you wake up with a Brussels hangover, your mol and Kelvin will be gone and replaced with Gio and Bes, Gio comes from a Giovanni Giorgi...remember him? I think he sang with Pavarotti during the Five Tenors concert?

Mrs E's chest...an affair for smooth roads?

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 01:26:00 +0000

Right I have to tell you about your money...or in this case where your money go! I can tell you now...if you live in Wales it goes on smooth asphalt and In England they charge you twice as much and you get the lumpy bits...

Last week we sold Mrs E’s hand built Pug 306 convertible leaving us only with Esther…our Renault 5, 1986, 1.4L Automatic, with a sunroof.

What you notice when you drive an old bird like Esther is the state of the roads and I must say I am surprised at the state of the road in the Greatest Britain. Two days ago we took the old lady for spin, 400 miles (650km) leaving our comfy garage, where she had an oil change, some Autoglym, a bit of antifreeze and a bit of TLC. We set off to view the village of Portmeirion, famous for its architecture and of course for being the exterior location to The Prisoner television series starring Patrick McGoohan.

To get there we had to cross a few counties in the Greatest England to get to the Greatest Wales and it was when we crossed the border into Wales entering Powys, we started to notice the difference…Mrs E doesn’t like Esther to much cause it makes her boobies jump about a bit, and she says that in her age wearing a sports bra is only stupid…me I have no problem I just have a problem with staring at the road instead of averting my eyes over to Mrs E’s chest bobbing about like two buoy’s in the sea…however in Wales it all stopped…no bobbing or distraction, the road surface was smooth like a baby’s bottom...just an expression…

We drove for hours through Snowdonia National Park and mile after mile the surface was awesome…I never believed I would say this, but not since I drove from Stockholm back to Helsingborg in Sweden or that time before I was married, a girl called Camilla have I ever seen something so smooth…it was like driving on silk, the rubber, cheap ones from Kwik Fit, did not even make a noise anymore. We were not alone there were trucks, the size of lorries driving on the road, locals in very fast 4x4’s wanting to get to their local and not wanting to be the obvious nerd in a classic car I stepped on it…so all Esther’s horse powers had to do their duty…but no bump, no bobbing of Mrs E’s chest just bliss…

We continued in silence, mostly because the BBC has not built out their radio network in Snowdonia National Park, so not by choice, did we have to wait to hear what Jeremy Vine had to say…we caught up with him between moments of classical FM, how come they always get a signal…and spouts of Welsh Radio, which sound like a bunch of Swedes on a midsummer eve’s drunken night out…so smooth….no noise…WHY???

I feel that we have been cheated in the Greatest England…we pay the same road tax…drive the same cars, pay the same for the fuel and they…the Welsh, have smooth roads…not a pot hole every two yards, leaking water pipe, or yellow signs and cones which say “Work will start here in 2008 and will last for 11 years!” Why is that?

Is it because they actually spend their money on the roads. We know that they like a drink in Wales, and a song, which explains the silence of the radio network and it would also explain why there is not a road which is straight, but I don’t care about that. What I care about is smoothness…the ability to take my 1986 Renault 5 and drive it until it hits 60Mph (100km) and feel the road, not sit in the car with two “Nodding Dogs”…

Driving back from Wales exiting again at Powys, we entered England and I tell you not…within 5 minutes of driving we were jumping about in the car like to “doggers at a lay bay“ in Bristol, worried we might get arrested and thrown into jail…and all because they sell lumpy asphalt in England and Mrs E’s chest is distracting my driving…

What is that all about!

Greatest British Commercial TV lied to me...

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 00:41:00 +0000

If you are reader based in Sweden or in any other country you might not be aware of the plague, which is sweeping the television stations in the country of the Greatest Britain. We have been cheated by what we have been seeing on the television box. What they told us is not true, and they have taken our money for it. For you who has not been deeply involved in the scandal, all television programs have one or other phone in, you know the type were “audience participation” is needed in order to find a winner or the outcome of a competition. Talent shows such as Pop Idol, X Factor are popular shows, but other shows such as, vote for the cutest pet, ugliest cleaning lady or dumbest criminal have also used the same system. Now we have found out that they…the television companies have not been truthful in the results…Winners have been declared losers and losers have been declared winners, so all in all a big mess. Sweden like the Greatest Britain have a television license to fund the programming for its government/state run television channels something which doesn’t exist in the USA, where the old “greenback” decides who you are going to listen to, believe in, and even worse vote for…

However tonight the “Greatest British Commercial Television Station – ITV” stooped to its lowest point ever. It made a fatal mistake it made a complete and utter rubbish programme even worse than what they advertised. Basically it was crap! Mrs E settled down in front of the television tonight after our 8 hour drive in Esther yesterday, to watch the “Great Divas”, a programme highlighting the great music of some of the divas in support of breast cancer month??? We were old that we would see some great clips of real people together with the songs of some of the greatest females of all times and boy were we taken for a ride. We had four sisters being filmed taking a walk and then a postman called Bill jogged on a tread mill in a supermarket for 30 seconds…Wow I was impressed!! By the stupidity of those people and the build up of great “normal people” doing extraordinary things for breast cancer…I was expecting to see Bill the postman at least having breast implants and the four sisters falling down a ravine…but not hiking and jogging on a tread mill…then for our frock changing presenter saying wasn’t that great? You see when you start to anticipate that your audience is on average two years old that is when you start loosing them…

In my days I been responsible for some live television programmes and concerts, which have might not been what they said on the tin. A “live” concert with U2 from Sydney Football Stadium was delayed for two hours because the band and their helpers wanted the time to double check that the recording was OK. They were only found out when the tape switch did not work very well and started to spool the tape…well we explained it all to all of the broadcasters that it was a “human error” and they were happy…some New Years Eve shows we did were recorded a week before so that the “stars” could spend the evening with their friends instead of with a complete bunch of strangers…Jeremy Clarkson told us the other week that when he is testing cars he is driving them around with cameras mounted in the cockpit. Then he goes into a quiet corner to think about what he wants to say about the car and in the meantime someone else takes over the steering wheel and all exterior shots are filmed…so when you think it is Mr Clarkson sliding the car through the “Gambon Corner” of their test track, don’t worry is most likely to be a little puny spiv with a degree in media…

Back to the breast cancer program…Here I am sitting down and Mr Grade the Chief Executive who has repeatedly told me that there will no longer be any lies in television…still tonight he let his team do the biggest sin ever and, lost me as a viewer tonight. He put on a show which was clearly derived by a record company probably Mr Simon Cowell. Some of the acts which appeared on the show like Celine Dion and Girls Aloud, were told don’t worry there will be no time for you to rehearse so we’ll do a “singback”. Ms Jennifer Lopez was told “Oh you cannot make it? “No worries” send us a video clip!” Then it was all spun around the gorgeous Myleene Klass who did not know what to say or do, so instead she changed outfits 5 times…one for each commercial break, when we saw an advert for Celine Dions new album…No shame…the producer for ITV should get the sack and we should have some people back with balls like Claudia Rozenkrantz, who can put entertainment together. If we were told that we were going to watch a promotional video for artists, who have something to sell, but hey, they are not going to be singing live and some of them are not going to be there, I might have been able to persuade Mrs E to watch “Pimp My Ride” instead on MTV…

Herr Nilsson not just a digital friend...

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Sun, 28 Oct 2007 23:01:00 +0000

Ten years ago I crossed one of the side roads to Blvd de la Croissette in Cannes, at one of the 60 events I have attended, in the South of France. Having “bumped” into a variety of celebrities during my time there none delighted me more that this particular old lady who was walking on her own without any bodyguards or without any entourage. She was just an old frail lady, whom to the crowds was a nobody. But to me, she was the ultimate superstar...she was the only person I have asked for an autograph she was simply Astrid Lindgren…

Astrid Lindgren wrote some of the classic Swedish children stories of our times from Pippi Longstocking (Pippi Långstrump), Emil of the Maple Hills (Emil i Lönneberga) and Karlsson on the Roof (Karlsson på taket). Astrid took time and had a chat to me, a simple Swedish boy, whose claim to fame was to ride the blow up goose as a child. However it was in one of those stories, the story of Pippi Longstocking that Herr, or Mr Nilsson, came into play. The trustwordy friend, in this case a monkey, to Pippi appeared. After watching these stories as a child and later on, to delight of my daughter, I thought that everyone should have a Mr Nilsson and I am so very pleased to be able to say that I have one…

Of 40 years now I have had, and still have, my own Mr Nilsson, he is just my best friend of all times. We went to school for some 11 years, before that we managed to swim in the sea, burn down the local forest, getting married, not to each other but to separate women. He married Mrs Nilsson and I married Mrs Ericson. Out of all friends I have, Mr Nilsson, who should not be confused with Pippi’s little monkey, as my Mr Nilsson does a very bad job climbing trees and eating nuts. However my Mr Nilsson does provide everything that friendship should do, updating me with the local ice hockey results from the Tigers home games, provide Peugeot and Renault support over the phone, far better than any local dealership and best of all…he listens when I have something to say.

Does he care that I have met the Status Quo…well in fact he does, he wants copies of any freebies that I might have been given, but all in all he is very much like me, he likes that it the winter it snows, and that in the summer it is hot…he likes a good BBQ, no chicken included though as he is allergic, but he loves a SAAB 96, and if you ask him, he will write you an essay on how too increase the engine size and what carburettor to use, plus he would probably drive to Austria to participate in classic rally only to find out that he did not bring the wiper arm to the motorized wipers which eventually made them to pull out of the rally…

Sebastian Loeb might get a bit upset of his Citroen team arrived without wiper arms to his WRC car, but in this case it was Mr Nilsson…he worked everything out even down to the replacement handbrake wire…but left the wiper arm at home…None of the team got upset they just went on with the rally, when the snow was too heavy the SAAB 96 had to pull out and retire, the team enjoyed a couple of days of R&R and talked about how next year they might bring another wiper arm…

This week I have had something new to celebrate, Mr Nilsson my childhood friend has finally arrived into the 21st century, today, by means of digital communication I received my first ever email from him…albeit it being 27 images from a snowy classic car rally in Austria doesn’t matter…the fact is that I did receive an email…so from now on my childhood friend and I will move our friendship into cyberspace…I am the luckiest guy in the world…

This is the fact of life…get yourself a Mr Nilsson, hang on to him and in time your friendship will move from analogue to digital communication…a far cry better than when you start from a digital position…

Swedish King in tax probe...

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 16:18:00 +0000

This is a story which would have got the hardest royalists quaking in their boots. Imagine charging someone $101million in tax…well Swedish King Carl Gustav XVI does not need to worry to much as it is not his name on the writ. The tax bill has been issued to a Mr. Berth Milton Jr. head of Private Media Group and is also known as the Swedish Porn King.

Mr Milton Sr. started his little publishing company some 40 years ago, and with liberal pornography laws in place in Sweden he managed to grow is business at a phenomenal rate. Today Private Media which is run by Mr Milton Jr., is the largest adult library in the word. It is available in 37 countries in the world, 680 registered mobile users and with 180 countries visiting their websites daily. This, my friends, is a multi million dollar business.

The company is registered on Nasdaq and the profits looks good. So what has Mr Milton done to upset the system…well he did what everyone else does who becomes a little bit too greedy. Instead of embracing the country whose liberal laws made it possible for his family to earn the money from their chosen trade, he moved his business to Barcelona, Spain. Now we all know that Sangria, a couple of weeks in sun looking at the pretty girls sunbathing, not that this would bother Mr. Milton as he has probably “seen it all before”, is relaxing and enjoyable. But living there? Lunch from 1 – 4, then dinner at midnight? Service in the utilities companies? Call the telephone company to complain and you get someone who always answers mañana…I don’t think so Jose…you would not get any business done.

You see Spain is not known internationally for business. First of all they speak 6 languages there or six versions of one. Their biggest revenue stream is tourism, when tourism started to drop it became real estate which was so corrupt that old Deidre and Alan from Worcestershire lost their dream villa as it didn’t have the correct local planning permission, they were not the only ones. I am sure that one of the richest politicians in Spain might be the guy who handles the building applications.

Now Mr Milton thought that this would be an excellent place to run his business from so in 1989 he declared that he was leaving Sweden. There was only one little snag…he did not have a permanent address in Spain. At the time when he was living in Spain he oversaw the redevelopment of his property in Sweden. “The King” and his family lived at luxury house in the archipelago of Stockholm and at the same time as he supposedly was enjoying the Spanish customs he had a number of cars registered in Sweden.

The Swedish board of taxation takes a dim view of people like this and started proceedings against Mr Milton, an enquiry, which has taken years to complete and last week it was decided Mr Milton need to pay up…

I am not sure if I am going to laugh or feel sorry about Mr Milton? The simple mistake he did was not to buy a small hacienda… It now looks like this mistake will cost him some $101M, so don’t be surprised if you suddenly find that your subscription of “Naughty Knockers” is going up a few quid…

What is amazing in all of this is the fact that pornography is now part of mainstream business. It is no longer dealt with at small printing shops on some dodgy printers; it is a high tech, well organised machine. I would have loved going to school knowing that my rich classmates’ dad was a pornographer…what a hoot…

Photo © Ninci @ www.sxc.hu

Mama Rosa is going Digital...

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 18:39:00 +0000

The other day I drove down to my Mother-In-Law, Mama Rosa, to see her before we make the BIG move. I was surprised to see in her living room was a Pace Sky Digital box, providing her with numerous amount of channels ready for the digital switch off…

Now let this be clear that Mama Rosa is not what you would classify a wealthy woman, nor is she what you would consider a compulsive television viewer…Deal or no Deal, Who want to be a Millionaire?, plus some other early evening programs is her forte. Mama Rosa hits the sack early and is not up watching Northern Babes on Sky channel 946 nor is she sitting up at midnight with Euro News, Russian Daily News, France 24 or CNBC…

Somewhere along the line Sky digital television has lurked their grubby little hands into this living room, without checking needs and usability and grabs £21.00 every month for the viewing pleasure, which by the way, looking at her selection of preffered channels are totally free via analogue television until 2011, in her area…

I blame no-one, no family member or television sales rep nor do I blame myself for not being there earlier to use my knowledge to eradicate the gross injustice being done to Mama Rosa. Someone here is ripping off her and her puny pension and I know who it is…

Ofcom who is behind the digital switchover have made a complete mess of the information packs sent out, is it satellite, terrestrial, cable…who knows? I know cause I work in the business and I can bore you to death with a 15,000 word essay about it, but at the end Ofcom has responsibility of handling the digital switch over and ensure that vulnerable people, and with those I mean anyone who has no clue what the digital switch over means, and who it will effect…remember in all of this you have already paid for a licence and been granted the right own a television set, whoopee, I am so privileged…I believe that if you issue a license you should have clear instructions explaining what you can do with it…like, with this license you cannot drive a space shuttle…simple…

So here we are, 4 years away from the switch and Mama Rosa, would spend £21.00 x 48 months = £1,008 on a set of channels she doesn’t have to pay for. So therefore I have now taken it upon myself to hire a television company to check her terrestrial aerial for its digital switchover feasibility and if it is OK we stick with it, if not we get a new one for £90.00. Then there is the digital box, between £25.00 - £50.00 and that it is…no more charges and you know what? Mama Rosa can watch the channels she did before and have £21.00 left over from her pension to spend on what ever she wants for herself...

I do agree by going freeview she will be unable to watch “Discovery Turbo Channel” about cars, but then looking at the Nissan Micra in the drive…I have a feeling that she was not too keen in the first place….

Where does this leave Sweden and why did I take this up in my quest about the Greatest Britain? Well Sweden switched off the last analogue television channel last week and now the country is completely digital, and guess what??…The viewers were told what they needed to do and what the cost was…

So now…Mama Rosa will do “Deal or no Deal” but via a terrestrial digital television instead and do you what?? She will view it for free…

Is The Greatest Britain cheating?

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 00:34:00 +0000

Ever since arriving in the Greatest Britain I have been harping on about some old scores. They are great to mention over a pint or two when discussing sport with an Englishman. You see the Greatest Britons like to mention various results such as the Greatest Win in 1966. That Sweden were second in ’58 and third in ’94 doesn’t count, but as the qualifying results for Euro 2008 are coming to an end, England has to dispose of Russia on the newly laid Tiger Turf in Moscow and Sweden has a stroll to clear off Northern Ireland and the Swedes will again be there ready to take on England, a team, to which they have not LOST since 1968. This little fact is niggling away at most supporters, I have heard rumours that some will not even ride in a Volvo or sit in sofa bought at IKEA.

The other Swedish record sitting nicely in Britain is the fabulous five in row wins at Wimbledon by Bjorn Borg. Bjorn was there this year to witness his record being equalled by Roger Federer, so whilst it still stands the likelihood is that it will go next year, so we will need another record we can shot about and I have found it…

The Eurovision Song Contest…

You see the Swedes take this quite seriously. Try to go out on the evening of the song contest and you will have to learn to dance the slow fox by yourself as the Swedes are at home glued to the television. This is a phenomenon which has not spread to the Greatest Britain, yet…Just so that my Swedish readers understand the Brits have to drag some poor bastard out from a lunatic asylum, dress them in funny clothes looking like airline stewardesses and then get them to sing the silly song in front of four television viewers and two television presenters, who later between themselves will choose which one of the silly tunes they are going to the contest. The result is of course a song which is pretty bad, outfits that are hilarious and eventually they get no points and no viewers. So why do they do it? Well you see the Greatest Britain automatically qualifies for the competition as they are one of the largest financial contributors to the European Broadcasting Union, EBU, so they can’t even get out of it if the wanted to.

In Sweden on the other hand it purely a matter of life and death. All other news is pushed off the front pages, radio stations do not report on anything else and television time is allocated to the selection process, the Swedish competition and even backstage the programmes. You will read stories such as, “The viewers did not rate the dress the presenter was wearing”…get it wrong and it can ruin your career.

Today on the 16th of October, 2007 (7 months before the Eurovision song Contest 2008) Sweden had a press conference announcing the Swedish competitions 28 participants which will be battling out for a place to go to the Eurovision song contest in Belgrade on the 24th of May, 2008???

There will be 6 competitions held in Sweden all over the country, called the Swedish Song Contest. These will be held in large arenas where you will have up to a 50,000 strong live audience, millions watching on television. This year there was 3434 entries which the panel of judges had to go through in order to narrow it down to a “manageable” 28 entries (and the arguments have already started)…you can start buying tickets for the competition from Thursday, ticket prices range from £15.00 - £22.00 for a rehearsal?? The actual show will set you back £26.00 - £35.00…then if your favourite wins…you’ll have to fight it out with the Serbians who is staging this year’s competition in the Belgrade Arena, a venue which seats 20,000 people.

Well you see the Swedes are organised, taking a professional approach so how are we doing in the scores? Sweden has managed four wins; ’74 ABBA, ’84 Herreys, ’91 Carola and then ’99 Charlotte Nilsson. The Greatest Britain; ’67 Sandie Shaw, ’69 Lulu, ’76 Brotherhood of Man and ’97 Katrina and the Waves…so the score is a draw…

This year though I am sure that the Greatest Britain will have the upper hand. It has not gone for the 28 entries to choose from and 7 months to prepare, no because it would be totally impossible to find 28 lunatics to sing the songs, they are more sneaky than that…they didn’t have an Empire for nothing you know…No this year The Greatest Britain has imported half a million Polish people and an unknown number of Romanians to even out the old eastern block voting…I shall be writing to the Eurovision secretary to see if it is allowed according to the rules…

Water pipes in need of a by-pass...

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 14:13:00 +0000

Reading a story in a Swedish newspaper about the state of the water pipes made me think about the water being transported from the water works to our taps in the Greatest Britain. This summer we have had some enormous rainfall resulting in flooding and despair for thousands of people. Those who did not loose their positions like my friend Mr JW. He saw his pride possessions in a converted Barn sitting pretty in 4ft of muddy water. Imagine when you have just one floor, no upper floor, the amount of items which are below 4ft…crazy…

Mr JW is pretty cool about it; he handed over the keys to the builders who kindly told him “see you in a year” and moved to London into rented accommodation which the insurance company pays for. He is one of the lucky ones. I imagine there is a huge amount of people out there, which cannot get any insurance, to cover them in these eventualities.

I did not suffer very much, the extent of damage was two pots in the garden which now have some unsightly white marks indicating the level of the water when it was at its worse. I decided not to call the insurance company as the value of the pots was less than the payment I had pay them for claiming…so from now on we will have a reminder of the water every time we look at these pots…perhaps they can be washed, the are made out of plastic you know…anyway…back to water…

We did have some inconvenience with regards to the flooding; the water was shut off for a fortnight, very inconvenient. The water works was flooded so they could not pump clean water to the taps. We ended up receiving water bottles on a daily basis, to use for drinking, cooking and flushing the toilets…as I have perhaps mentioned earlier I have a swimming pool so I was able to bail out water from the pool to use for flushing toilets…annoying though, that you had to take perfectly nice water and flush down when I could spend time in the pool instead…

Once the water returned to the taps it came out all funny…brownish sludgy and not very appetising, but hey we had water again…it occurred to me that the Greatest British water companies such a as Severn Trent Water and Thames Water has always complained about the state of their pipes and how many leaks there are…”They are from the Victorian times” we are repeatedly told…”difficult to repair”...expensive more likely which is why you don’t do anything about it…

Well looking at the picture from a Swedish cast iron pipe recently dug up in Southern part of Sweden. I think we should start worrying about what the heck we have in the pipes…

The pipe in the picture was put down in the 30’s, this having served just 70 – 80 years providing to happy Swedes with drinking water…well it appears to me that the artery network of water is clogged and perhaps a by-pass is needed.

Don’t you just wish we had the ability to see the Greatest British pipes and the state they are in? Well perhaps not, we still have to drink the water….

© Barbro Hallin, Helsingborgs Dagblad

The Role of a Parent

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Sun, 07 Oct 2007 14:16:00 +0000

When enough is enough…

Following the recent shooting in Sweden, where a farmer after two years of harassment, decided to take the law into is own hands, it has today become quite clear what has been in going on in Rödeby a small community north of Karlskrona.

It is strange that harassment, bullying and mindless bored youths get into the same troubles irrespective of borders, background, language or culture. In this case we have a group of kids…all in and around 15/16 years old who has started to harass a family, using violence, intimidation and the internet to harass. Below is a selection of incidents which has been reported.

They posted the family’s telephone number on a Swedish networking site encouraging people to call; preferably at night, the family reported it to the police. Action taken by the police: None

Their car is vandalised, graffiti sprayed all over it, the family reported it to people with a list of suspects. Action taken by the police: None

The son has his moped vandalised in a theft attempt which is disturbed, when he comes out of a shop a group of youths are hanging around laughing and is taunting him. The family reports it to the police with a few names being forwarded as suspects. Action taken by police: None

The son was out driving his moped when he was hunted down by a gang of other guys on mopeds. The harassed and taunted him; he felt threatened and told the father who reported it to the police supplying them with names. Action taken by police: None

The mother is shopping at the local supermarket and when she tries to exit the car park some youths throw a large bin in front of the car stopping the mother from exiting the car park. The incident is reported to the police. Action taken by the police: None

Then we have the fatal day of the shooting, the father had had enough so he drove into the small town centre to seek out the kids to speak to them about the harassment they have inflicted on his family. Instead of a sensible conversation with the youths, a lot screaming, foul language and continuing harassment ensued so the man left and drove home. Then at 2.30 in the morning the gang arrived at the family home and banged on the door. It was at this time the farmer came out with his shotgun and fired. Result? One dead 15 years old and a seriously injured 16 year old…

I look at the facts as they have been reported and I cannot understand why society today is so reluctant to take charge and deal with incidents when they happen. No matter how small or large the incident is, if it socially unacceptable, the deal with it…

Needless to say that the relatives of the youths have been speaking to the press to say how utterly shocked they are and that their kids are angels…wouldn’t hurt a fly…

Is it time that we start to question the role of the parents and the police in incidents such as this?

It is interesting to read the role of the Swedish police and not feel that this farmer and his family has been let down

The Role of the Swedish Police
The role of the Police is to prevent crime, oversee civil order and safety, seek out criminal activity and investigate such activity.
The Police Law (1984:387) describe the responsibility of the Police accordingly:

As part of society to ensure justice and safety the work of the Police shall be to oversee civil order and safety and ensure public safety and offer assistance.

Responsibility of the Police:

1. prevent crime and other disturbances and ensure civil order and safety
2. protect civil order and safety interferences stop potential disturbances in interfere in such disturbances once they occur or occurred
3. prevent and investigate crime which can be put to a prosecutor
4. provide the public with protection, information and other assistance when applicable
5. fulfil other tasks which falls under the protection of society

Now where is the similar breakdown for the role of the parents?

Photo © RPS

Farmer shoots vandals

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 10:04:00 +0000

A farmer in Sweden who has had his property destroyed repeatedly and who’s lightly handicapped son has been bullied by young 15 – 16 year old morons, decided to put an end to it last night when they attacked him one too many times.

The idiots arrived last night starting their mindless vandalism so the farmer took his shotgun, threatened them and shot. The result one 15 year old vandal is dead, the other a 16 year old is in hospital being treated for shotgun wounds to his stomach.

To everyone in the Greatest Britain this will ring a bell, I shall keep you updated on the outcome…

Firemen in hot water...

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 09:42:00 +0000

How can I put this to you…Gay sex in Bristol got Firemen in Hot water…

This blog does not need to make things up for your entertainment because stupid people out there do it for us. The latest incredible but true story is about Bristol’s finest firemen who in the big shiny red truck decided to flush out some people in an area in Bristol known as Downs…no this is not a joke

The area is well known locally as a place to go dogging…for you who are not kept up to date with the latest… it means a place where you can go and have sex with strangers. In this case “The Shirtlifters” gather there and engage in what would be a crime…committing an act outraging public decency. The law is there to protect people like you and me…we don’t really want to walk around and see people buggering each other in public…don’t these people have a home?

Well the Bristol and Avon Fire department stopped by and shone their torches/flash light on the blokes humping and practising their sword swallowing in the lay bay…

No police were called and the aroused “doggers”, who suddenly found themselves illuminated, centre stage dispersed…that should be the end of that, no one was physically hurt, as far as we know, their pride took a dent, possibly.

Then a group of the men who were caught out, decided to complain to the Terence Higgins Trust, about how unfairly they were treated by the “fireboys”…so in today’s politically correct society, when the doggers should hang their head in shame, instead on instructions of the trust, they made a written complaint to the Fire Chief at the Fire department complaining about their “treatment” by the Fire Officers.

The Fire Boss got so worried about what he heard that he started an internal investigation which resulted in the suspension and fines for the Happy Fire Fighters with their shiny flashlights…

The Doggers…well they are probably back in the lay bay happy that “justice” has been done, safe in the knowledge that in today’s politically correct society no one dares to criticize anyone who is gay…

Lets just hope that the Firemen are to busy should the doggers houses catch fire one day…

The lowest ebb...

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 22:50:00 +0000

Struggling lately with finding the right reasons for giving up the Greatest Britain and there today suddenly it came to me, via a report from the TGBBC or as it is now known “The Greatest Britain Broadcasting Corporation”. In this particular case it was not about “false reporting” or via “phone-ins” where the public was duped, no it was in a report from Hartlepool which I read out for Mrs E…

Not that Mrs E cannot read it is was just one of these things that you read out because you like to hear the words being said and I knew what the impact would have…Mrs E would agree that this was one of the reasons why we are no longer going to stay here and take anymore rubbish…

It started earlier today when we had to go to the bank and transfer some money to our Swedish bank account, you see in a civilised country you can do it all over the internet, for free, without having to set foot in their posh offices, but here in TGB you have to go to the bank and fill out a form, then pay your £35 fee and they will fax your request to head-office and then with some luck you’ll see your money in three days???

My Swedish bank claims that transferring money between accounts in Sweden or within the EU is free, but here it costs £35.00…why is it…I ask myself and later in the day when asking the surveyor who came around to The Barn and he said calmly…well that is rip off Britain for you…I am struggling to find anyone left in this country who does not consider leaving or strongly believe that we are being short changed….

I have always believed that I should speak up for what is right and wrong…

I am just appalled about the behaviour of one citizen of the Greatest Britain, namely a 27 year old man from Hartlepool who today brought this country further down the gutter…this is what he did…

A woman was walking home from a trip to the DIY store with some laminate boards under her arm when suddenly she collapsed. Spotting her was Anthony Anderson and his mates…so what did Mr Anderson do to assist a Citizen in need…steel the laminates…laugh at her? Or would he just ignore her? No in pure British yobbish style he approached her and tried to wake her by throwing a bucket of water over her. When this form of new “British Citizen Assist” did not work he got his friend to film using the “new weapon of choice” in the UK the mobile phone with a camera come video camera…whilst he urinated on her then sprayed her with shaving foam whilst saying this is “You Tube Material”…The woman was dying and in fact she did die from pancreatic failure…covered in diluted urine and Gillette foam…I bet Anthony Andersons parents are very proud today…

And I thought the Swedish people eating raw herring were weird…

Hunting season extended...

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 00:14:00 +0000

I think it is now time to make my feelings known, unless there was any doubt before...that is...

I believe that the Greatest Britain is going down the tubes…

Yes it is not a happy time for me to say this as I, an ethnic minority, you see I am Swedish and foreign and I live in a country where people do not think and do things as us Swedes… that makes me an ethnic minority…plus the fact that there is only some 30 odd thousand Swedes in the UK, give and take a few thousand.

Switching on the news today was depressing; a celebration of the great Pavarotti’s life was first on the agenda and then the funeral of an eleven year old kid…

Both of them had a passion for life and were talented in their own way, Luciano was blessed with a voice that many would try to mimic…then the poor kid from Liverpool had had only one issue…he was born in the Greatest Britain . His life was cut short due to a “turf war” between gangs in Liverpool…who has heard something so stupid in there entire life?…turf war in Liverpool…I have to be careful what I say here because last time some said something bad about Liverpool he was asked to go and apologise to the citizens…I am sorry you can’t haul me up there, I am an ethnic minority and I will not go an apologise for anything as I don’t care anymore…

I have had enough…Put yourself in this situation…a mother or a father, remember this is the Greatest Britain so the likelihood is one or the other, sit at home, hear the BMX bike squeal to a halt. Snotty kid comes in, sweaty…first sign there, child arrives home sweaty and considering that this child has not done any exercise in 10 years would be a great sign that something is wrong...

Second sign… the child smells of gun powder…you don’t need to be an expert in gunpowder plots to work out what it smells like, all you need to do is to wait for the 5th of November work out what every kid in the Greatest Britain smells like and there you are…

Third sign…the kid has a shower or a bath and it turns out that it is not Christmas.

Fourth sign…your kid brings the clothes down to the washing machine and says “mum do I wash my hoodie on 40 or 60 degrees

5th sign…your kid asks in the middle of your favourite soap if you can switch over to Sky News…that is when you, as a parent, pick the phone up and say…”my kid is showing some unusual behaviour” as you should start to think like this...did my son just have a work out on his BMX, stopped to buy some rockets for Guy Fawkes, eventhough it is only September, decided he smells and needed a shower and develped some sort of strange interest in washing his clothes and picking up on the news…if not CALL THE POLICE...if you are lucky you’ll get a proper police officer, hopefully older than your child, to come around the house and arrest the little bugger…

You can now make £100,000 from selling your story to a “red top”, get a headline, and at least 60 free ciders down the local boozer…piece of cake…

As long of course you don’t light that Lambeth down the pub…cause it is against the law…

Times like this we expect the public to go nuts…calling for a culling and a hunting season on delinquent youths…imagine if you had free range to shoot the little buggers after 8pm…get a licence at the library from Mrs Woods and go hunting…what a great setup…

Schools would love it…less disruptive kids in class…no need to pick up the litter from the packed lunches…the results would go up, funding would increase per kid and no slutty overweight mum hanging around the school after close shouting “Paris”, Chantelle” “Brooklyn” come here now…

McDonalds would loose out though…no birthday parties with goody bags and poor Argos would have to lay people off…

Well…as I said I have had enough, I am packing up and moving out…where, how and when is just another story…perhaps I will become a teacher in Mr Woodentops Tory government and teach children how to become patriotic…that is of course if they’ll turn up?…

Mr Sniper might have got them outside the fish shop at 9pm…

Sing for Pavarotti

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Wed, 05 Sep 2007 23:47:00 +0000

It is not very often that you read about celebrities and you are overcome by sadness. Most of the time you read about them having spent a huge amount of time and money on doing something stupid and costly. Of course you would only read this in a “scandalous newspaper in a format which is smaller than the Telegraph”…

I have spent a lot of time with various celebrities from film, television and the music scene, I would agree with those comments some people have read about, but one celebrity whose heart and mind which was won over on me years ago is facing difficulties, namely Luciano Pavarotti…

I worked with the Big man himself on a coupe of large events and concerts and found him most likeable. A person with whom you could sit down and discuss his trade, being music, and he would listen to what you had to say. Years ago I was invited by a record company to join them to discuss a particular concert and being the “new kid on the block” among people who had spent a lifetime in opera and classical music I was a bit nervous about the meeting. The meeting took place in his restaurant in Modena and after a hearty meal we sat down to discuss the “programme”, to which the record company were committing to, when the “Maestro” arrived at the table. An argument between our company and the Italian broadcaster was brewing at the top floor and I was asked to go and mediate. Considering my skills in classical music and Italian I decided that I should do what I do best…be Swedish and go for it but be firm and put the law down early…needless to say that I won and they all agreed.

I returned to table in the restaurant, which was closed other people at the time, well what did you expect the Big Swede was in town…
When I sat down I was “tested” by the Maestro who asked me about the “running order” and if agreed…I glanced over the sheet and I asked “What seems to be the problem?”

Pavarotti answered that he felt that the record company did not like the Lucia song he had added in the schedule to which I answered it is a lovely tune and that everyone in Scandinavia will know and like it…to which a record executive said “I do not know the tune…”

At this point I decided that Swedish singing would be the best medicine and I started to sing the tune of Santa Lucia…only to ensure that my record company bosses would know what was talking about. This was the moment when Pavarotti struck a cord with me started singing the tune with me to the amazement of everyone around the table…

How come a Swedish person who works in events and music knows the words and music the Santa Lucia? Well at that moment Pavarotti stopped singing looked at me and said “That is not the song”…

I froze at my seat looked him in the eye scrabbling for words when he suddenly said…I don’t know where you found this Swedish guy but I will work with him as he is the only one who has ever challenged me to sing…

So we did the concert “Pavarotti and Friends” and I am writing this because I am reading that the Big Man is not doing to well in hospital…and I wish him all the best…

The rain falls...well not...on Spain

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 00:05:00 +0000

Spain…a country of many talents, none of which you can easily mention, but in a world were we are faced with extreme weathers, heat in one end of Europe and flooding in the other, economic boom in one end of the Middle East and fighting and murder in the other…you would think the Spanish would come up with something new and fresh and by God have they???

Did they sit down and find out a way for Fernando Alonso to beat Lewis Hamilton? No.

Did they work out a way to make Sangria more attractive outside Spain? No

Did they make the Seat car sexier for car buyers? No.

Solved cancer? HIV? Re-catalogued all species of flowers? Fuelled a rocket to the moon based on their lovely wine? Solve the financial downturn in the US housing market? Made the cost of staying in Magaluf cheaper? Changed the planning and building laws for foreigners in the Costa Blanca???….NO…NO…and NO

So why is Spain then in the news this week?

You see…Spain has detected a virus which has killed 12 dolphins….

My tuna fisherman kills more than that in a day....

And I thought life was a struggle…..

Ps. Alonso did beat Hamilton...due to a puncture....

Disappointment

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 23:35:00 +0000

Today I am going to deal with disappointment.

I know that in today’s society we should all be protected from disappointment, not for health and safety reasons just because we cannot handle it. As an example kids today are only being told how good they are and not being told that they are bad at something. We all know that we are all different and thank God that we are… Imagine a football team with 11 David Beckhams…great crosses but not much more…I am sorry David I know you have much more talent, when it comes to football, but the fact is that your pin point delivery is out of this world…

Anyway today when it is 30 years since Elvis died I have been disappointed. I am with the family in Sweden for a brief visit and sitting down watching Swedish television on a Thursday evening is dire, boring or just plainly crap. So tonight at least there would be some Elvis stuff on the television. Well the evening started badly with my brother the chef calling to say that the BBQ was off due to rai, so no ribs marinated in maple syrup, mustard and spices a family recepie…then I got the blame for bringing the rain with me from Gloucestershire, this was the first disappointment…

So we had to go to Swedish pizzeria and order some pizzas, you see my mother is a big fan of Elvis and booked ONE ticket for herself to go and see a concert in Helsingborg at a church, where a 50 strong choir was singing Elvis most famous gospel songs…so me and Mrs E was dog and dad sitting…my mum even named the bloody yappy dog Elvis…and no he cannot yap “Houndog”…

Back to pizza…Sweden as you know is famous for a couple of food items, namely meatballs and pickled herring, so I was off to that famous Swedish pizzeria in the village, in Sweden, which is run but that famous pizza chef, Mohammed, from Turkey…didn’t even know that they did pizzas in Turkey…But guess what? In a village of only 3,500 people they have 64 different pizzas, sad to say that none of them were a mixture of local Swedish, Italian, Turkish cuisine kebab pizza with pickled herring…they did in fact have a kebab pizza…

On the way home, walking distance, the skies opened and I got drenched…the pizzas got even more soggy but the good thing it would go well with the “canoe-sex-beer” they sell in the normal supermarket ( you know F***ing close to water)…what a meal…that was disappointment number two…

Dinner finished and we settled down for an evening of television viewing and I asked my dad where the paper was so we could read the television pages…he duly explained that because the paper is expensive (they are pensioners) so they share the paper with the neighbour, very clever…my parents have the paper in the morning and the neighbour has it in the evening (so we had no bloody television pages)…and as it turned out my parents do not have a digital television service so no EPG (Electronic Programme Guide). We finally settled in for a programme on Discovery channel which lasted for one and half hour…a programme about the workings of a combine harvester…in Swedish…12 minutes into the programme Mrs E was fast asleep and my father was running a side commentary about a combine harvester he repaired 25 years ago and remembered all the details…the fascinating thing was how the cockpit was always flat and the proved it by placing a cup of coffee on the instrument panel…gripping stuff… disappointment number three…

Now take this all into account that I had taken Mrs E to look at a potential property in the village which we wanted to buy…a large property, which look fantastic on the outside and I persuaded her to come with me to see it as future investment. She had seen the pictures but none from the inside, she insisted that she wanted to see pictures from the inside of the house before jetting off…this, I said, would be no problem the inside is excellent, I have been told so…well she was right and I was wrong…we should have gotten some pictures because beauty on the outside does not mean beauty on the inside...so that was the last disappointment of the day…

By the way…Did you know a combine harvester can empty 8 tons of grains in only 2.5 minutes and that is enough for 14,000 loafs…fascinating…

Public peeing is on the rise...

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 23:36:00 +0000

It is only the 6^th of August and considering the temperatures in Greatest Kingdom of Sweden from the month of October to May the Swedish government has so far in 2007 collected over $250,000 in fines from public urination. So far 2252 people has been fined, quickly moving toward last years record of 3,328 people fined. I am sorry to write about this especially since I know that the Government of the Greatest Britain is an avid reader of my blog and before you know it peeing in the UK will be outlawed...that would be £50 pus VAT (it is of course a luxury to pee) thank you.

The Swedish information does not tell us the breakdown of men vs. women peeing in public…

Woodentop is in opposition...lets hug a tree...

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 23:15:00 +0000

I am looking for a new job…You know a kind of job where there is no responsibility and where you can screw up indiscriminately, being paid a huge salary and go to big functions, get you name in the paper and ignore what everyone is saying about you…

I want to become a politician…not just any politician but a politician who is in opposition of the government, in a majority opposition position and still looked upon as quite an important job, basically I would like to have David “call me Dave” Cameron’s job…what a hoot that would be…

First I would call all of my friends and ensure that we had an agenda, you know an agenda that would go down well with the people who at the moment is confused and angry with the current government, especially since they are changing their leader, taking out the smarmy guy and putting in a Scotsman who no one likes, that would be such an easy job, kicking butt in the press and embarrassing the government on a daily basis…

I would start by changing my logo for the party, after all why would I want all of the middle England voters who read The Mail and The Telegraph? Papers are so yesterday anyway, so we need to get the new generation of voters, it is more of challenge, convert the labour and liberal voters and get them onside…

So I get a tree...yes a tree…that will really help me to change the voters…what is even more baffling is that the party, which once was run by the tough Mrs T, agrees to have a tree?? as their logo…

Then served as on a silver platter, disaster after disaster happens in the Greatest Britain, some man made and some deemed to be Acts of God…

First we have a bunch of angry Muslim Doctors, perhaps angry with the additional tax added to air travel, or the junior doctor situation in the country, who decided to park a car in central London loaded with gas canisters, nails and to my surprise petrol, they paid tax to Gordon for that, which failed to go off, thanks to the bravery of some sharp emergency personnel. Less than 24 hours later, having failed to bring destruction to London, they drove a Jeep loaded with the same deadly concoction into an airport in Scotland with devastating effect. Luckily no-one, bar the driver, died…

Now we would expect Cameron to be on television left right and centre, with his tree of course, to get sound bites…but he was nowhere to be seen, unless you watched the news on a weird cable channel at 5am…the guy was invisible…

Secondly we had a bit of bother with God…there is always a clause in any commercial contract which says…natural disaster or an act of God…

Well God was not pleased in June and July so he decided to disperse one years of rainfall in just two months…I always said that it would be a bad idea when old ladies and Gents are being asked what they would like us to pray for and they always say “no hose-pipe ban because of my roses”. Well no hose-pipe ban this year then, God thought, and opened the skies…so Hull, Sheffield, Gloucestershire got more water than we could cope with…and Gloucestershire’s Severn Trent Water who did not impose a hose-pipe ban last year when it was 37 degrees centigrade for two months suffered…and so did some 13,000 flooded homes…

Cameron could not believe his luck, improper management of utilities, non government investment in flood barriers, an Environment Agency in disarray and with fat salaries and huge bonuses…I could feel the headlines flying so I bought, against Mr Cameron’s wishes, all the newspapers and all I could see was the Scotsman on each front page, walking in his booties in muddy water, even Prince Charles went out in a dinghy on the muddy waters and Cameron you might ask??? Well he was also in mud, but a mud hut in Rwanda, having local Rwandan journalists asking…”should you not be at home now when your country is flooded”…

Well our Mr Cameron have now learnt from the mistakes and said to his storm troopers that the next time he would be ready…but what would the next thing be…

A dream for opposition leaders opened up. A government backed lab dealing in foot and mouth disease vaccine has had a micro biology security laps so they have in fact spread the disease to a farm and the poor farmer has had his herd infected…country folks are crying remembering the slaughter of 2001, EU slaps a ban on export of British Cattle, Mr Brown come home from his 5 hour long Greatest British holiday from Devon…

…and Cameron???

Well I am not sure yet, I caught some news that a farmer who knew him in the past called him and asked him to stop public access to fields…Cameron said he would get right on it…where he was and what he was doing at the time is just a guess…but if you know could you let me know…my bet is that he was meeting with his PR guys and wanted to find out how he can change his tree…in the meantime Brown is laughing hugging that tree logo each night when he goes to bed…

Note:

There is a photo to be had though by a canny photographer…a suburban Surrey housewife having to dip her Gucci’s before proceeding…

We have water...well sort of...

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 14:38:00 +0000

Yesterday Severn Trent Water announced that we were going to get our water back, which is just going to be great. After 12 days with no water in the taps I am becoming a little irritable. I have just poured the first glass of Gloucestershire finest and in order for you to appreciate it I placed it between a glass of Coca Cola and a glass of Evian water…

STW, have sent a stark warning to all of us, do not drink it, do not cook with it, do not brush your teeth in it just flush toilets and shower in it, basically drive you car on it…well I am not so sure, I would suspect that if flushed my toilets with it, it might clog the system, nor do I believe that I would like to shower in it…

I am thinking that I am going to set up an instant tanning shop…Instead of standing in front of some 1000W halogen light bulbs I am going to let people shower in my water, this would give them this orange looking glow which has been taken up by the likes of Victoria Beckham and numerous other celebrities…

Anyway; today’s price must go to the Gloucestershire bloke who brought a hosepipe to a bowser/water tank connected it and proceeded to wash his car…don’t you just love the Greatest Britain…

Fashion in Gloucestershire

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Thu, 26 Jul 2007 14:27:00 +0000

Fashion follows the weather...this is now all the rage in Gloucestershire...

Mad dogs and Englishmen

noreply@blogger.com (SLB Ericson) — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 23:50:00 +0000

Deluge…in mythology, a great flood as an act of retribution to destroy civilisation…or as the Environment Agency says, once every 200 years…which would clearly discount the great flood of 1947…well what would they know anyway?

What I cannot understand is the explanations why it was flooded? Everyone is looking at the adverse weather conditions, climate change as the reasons. The Telegraph is even going as far as claiming that we are stuck with Sweden’s weather…rubbish…if that was the case why is my brother sunning himself and lighting the “Barbie” when I am trying to buy a canoe…

The fact is that whilst flooding occurs when the rivers rise, they burst their banks and water goes onto a floodplain which soaks the water up. Now when the rivers burst their banks the water ends up in Mrs Jones front garden because she so wanted to buy that affordable home with a river view…tarmac and concrete as we know are pretty bad in soaking up water. I have some 500sqm of tarmac at my property which is served by three…yes three tiny drains…so when you get 140mm of rain per sqm in one hour, it is going to be difficult to remove it. I have of course ensured that I have “run off areas”, in to paddocks and fields which solves the problem, for how long I don’t know, if the government follows John “Two Jags” Prescott’s plan I will wake up one morning with 400 Mrs Jones squealing in my back garden because her begonias are swamped…It is not brain surgery it is bloody common sense…

Today after riots settled at Tesco’s car park in Quedgeley, Gloucestershire, The Greatest Britain, during a water distribution session, one local who is 91 and fought in WWII put it home to us “I once went 5 days without water in Burma, and I have seen men go mad from thirst”…well I am sure had health and safety not closed the pubs down, due to inability to flush the loos, the country would have been a bit calmer…perhaps when Gordon Brown’s 15,000 portable toilets arrive we will see a difference…I am sure we will be able to smell it…